A few nature pics, notes about some things to come here on the blog, plus, "Flutterby" - A New Poem

Hello there!
It's been longer than I prefer since I've last posted on here :/

Between the Neil Young concert my man and I were lucky enough to attend a few weeks ago upstate, being a heat sensitive person in the peak of New England summer (woah, humidity!), and the sudden drop in temps we've had over the last week (WTF, signs of Fall already? Winter is coming! Ah, Rural Vermont Life), along with a few other health issues I won't get into, I have been pretty laid low.
"Low on spoons" as they say ;)

But, I'm back on my feet, caught up on a major freelance project I've been trying to hammer out for some time (Shameless self-plug: Go get a subscription to Auto Restorer magazine!), and am very excited about everything that is happening right now, including posts for this blog that I've been wanting to get out for some time.

Driving Upstate Vermont in Late Summer is a glorious experience! :)

A preview of what's to come:
- A write-up about the Neil Young concert, and the Monsanto/Starbucks/Grocery Manufacturer's Alliance lawsuit against the state of Vermont
- New Product reviews! - UV Clothing, UV Parasols, Collapsible Canes, and other "Spoonie" friendly wear/aids
- The last part of my series about my mental approaches to managing life with chronic illness
- New B.M.F.F.'s - "BadMofo Fridays" - Where each week I'll be highlighting various people who inspire me  
- A new series about who I am, and how I manage my Fibromyalgia thru Diet and Lifestyle
- Completing a series I started a long time ago about how I manage seasonal allergies, colds, and flus using natural remedies that actually work (something that has plagued me since I was born, and have a ton of anecdotal and scientific evidence for)

It's moving more slowly than I'd prefer, but I'm learning how to work with the Fibro and become a better integrated artist, entrepreneur, and person every day.

And that is all that matters.

Fall colors are already starting to show in the mountains up here in New England

And now, a new piece of poetry I wrote over the last few weeks.
I was in a bit of a haze when it came out, and looking at it now, I am still not completely sure who or what this is about. It could be one of a few matters I've been trying to work thru, or a combo of them.

Either way, it's pretty, if I don't say so myself :)
Enjoy, and thank you so much for reading!!! 

"FLUTTERBY" 

When you pout

with your cherry stained mouth

Do you ever doubt yourself too?

If it came out that I wasn't strong

could I accept this from you?

You, who can do no wrong

you, who always belong

Like Living Summer

she flutters along

And I wither in her path

Like Living Summer

she flutters along

I'm not bitter or anything

but, sometimes, The Wrath is still strong

Fresh as a stove-top burn

You've scorched me so many times

the scar tissue almost covers the fine lines

and wrinkles

Impressions of Time

upon the skin

Your facade is paper thin

but this is a battle I cannot win

No matter how much I rage and foam

Like Living Summer she flutters and roams

as I look on from this gilded cage

Alone

*Love & Light*

Renata Carmen 

"Canyon Fiend" - A Love Poem

A fun one I started a while back and finally finished today.
I guess you could say I'm in the mood because I'm well enough to go downstairs tomorrow and start restoring the Celica Supra again ;) Yay!
Enjoy the Gearhead Poetry!

Oh, you rev my engine

wear out my starter

when I can't take any more

you drive me harder

thru terrains I never knew

you got my alignment all askew

runnin' till we see red and blue lights

only you know how to move me just right

baby

let's hit the canyons tonight

Thanks for reading!

*Love & Light*

Renata Carmen

"Kaizen" aka "Kiki", our gorgeous 1982 Toyota Celica Supra P-Type 5 Speed <3

"Fake" - A Poem

This is an old poem circa 2002 or so.
I'm finally undertaking a long project and digitizing crates of poetry I've been carrying with me for years. Some of it goes as far back as the 5th grade!
This one still stands out as a favorite, and I've been thinking of it recently due to some challenging interpersonal situations. Personally, I'm still stoked on the wordplay on this one :)
Hope you enjoy it too!

Fake

Faltering in her silent steps

she

cries aloud. The light

overwhelms

the senses. Come, darkness! Save

me

from the truth. Envelop me

with

your star-studded veil. Don't let

her

see our technicolor dreams. For her

plastic

thoughts will ruin the universe, and she will only

smile.

-R.C.H.

Thanks for reading!

*Love & Light*

Renata Carmen
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

Spoken Word - "Rising Curtains"

This is a piece that I originally performed many moons ago (circa 2004) at a lovely little theater known as Da Poetry Lounge, in Culver City, California. Sadly,I didn't have the foresight to get someone to record my time on the mic that night; I got a standing ovation in a room where I was one of the whitest females on the premises. Pretty flattering and humbling. But alas, even though everyone around me believed in my abilities, I didn't believe in myself. So I allowed my potential Spoken Word career to wither and die before it ever had a chance to grow. 
Now, over a decade later, I am revisiting my old works, and without any intent of being cocky, am impressed with what I'm digging up. I have decided to record whichever of these labors of love demand to be heard aloud, not solely within the confined silence of the reader's mind. Perhaps this process will re-alight the inner flame.

Some emcees choose their pseudonyms, others are given them as nicknames. When I was writing in the early 2000's, I was nicknamed "NadaClue". Those days were all about excess; partying, raving, pushing everything possible, including my own body and mind, to the limit.
Those days, and the bright eyed, kandy kid that hailed them, are long gone.

If I'm gonna be an emcee, let me be known as "Phoenix".

From the ashes I rise anew to sing you my song...



Lyrics:
"I strive to own the microphone
like it was sewn
into my hand
i thrive off  the thrill of lyricism
and i demand that i stand tall & proud
i imagine rocking a crowd
& shocking thousands of eardrums
with excessively loud
beats
whispering, talking spirits from the streets
lingering in your head
long after you crawl under your sheets
night creeps upon the world
it seeps into bedrooms & attics
if your mind is not unfurled
it will swirl into a panic
i pity those who remain curled 'round fear
their ears hear static
in the end they only lead lives that are problematic
i can't stand it
the apathy people try to throw at me
i just blow them off & try not to take 'em seriously
'cuz most people fake it when it comes to personalities
& i don't take it when they try to feed me falsities
i travel these dreams of contradicting schemes
eventually they unravel at the seams
reality teams with life like an ocean
it glimmers & gleams with strife
ever in motion
control emotion
or it will bring you under the surface
& the notion of drowning doesn't serve my purpose
so, instead of frowning when i fall
i'll pretend it was on purpose
& laugh at it all
as i imagine greeting rising curtains"

Thank you for watching/reading!
Hope it brought some joy to your life.
*Love & Light*

I Am a Great Light - A Poem

This heat wave has had me in a pretty bad Flare, so I haven't gotten as much writing done as I've wanted, but I'm excited to have a brand new piece of poetry to post. It's been a while since I've written any poetry. Hope you enjoy!

i am a great light
i will rise to this fight
i’ll never back down
so long as i have my mouth
i’ll bite
on the jugular of entropy
til it turns red, then white
(naysayers are no friend to me)
i am more
than these walls
and long paced halls
greater than the sum
of my weaknesses & flaws
i’ll rise above my own desolation
& find inspiration
thru the cultivation
of a much needed cause
because
i am stronger than my disease
weakened hands, hips, knees
skin & hair rebelling, organs melting
a mind that’s failing
even if i say “please”
begging all the deities
for mercy
do you think they heard me?
the trees whisper prayers
like a clergy
they urge me
onward, remind me i’m not alone
in Mother Nature i always have a home
i ask the Muse for guidance
& realize the eyes i’m looking into are my own
i alone possess all tools needed for this quest
i should have known, shoulda guessed
for i am a great light
i’m stronger than my disease
infinite as deep space
and stronger than the seas
tho it may be darkest night
dawn always proceeds
just hang on a little longer
you are stronger
than your weaknesses & desperate pleas
Child of the Universe, Infinite, Divine
breathe in and know that everything will be fine

*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

Ego Boost – poem, 2/11/12, 1:50pm

We all need to give ourselves some positive self-talk every now and then......

i am gorgeous

inside and out

i am sexy

without a doubt

i am witty

i am fun and spontaneous

i am strong

i am brave and courageous

i am intelligent, always curious

i like to fix things

i’m a gearhead

(no really i’m serious!)

i am unique

i am creative

i am quiet and understated

i am simple

i am natural

(make-up is overrated)

i’m a survivor, outliving others

RIP my fallen sisters and brothers

i’m the one who got away

but also the one who always gets caught

i cannot be stolen or bought

music is my essence

dance is my being

my third eye’s open and seeing

it's so liberating, so freeing

i’m a lover, not a fighter

a back scratcher and biter

smartass, narrator, and (of course) writer

always seeking truth, knowledge, and answers

to eradicate hate, ignorance, and cancers

some days, the world beats ya down

gotta pump up the Ego and flip-turn that frown

cuz emotions like sadness and anger

will only blind you and put you in danger

handicaps that take away from the moment

thoughts are like seeds 

you've planted and sown em

gotta tackle the negative

to chase down your dreams
its imperative
reality's exactly what it seems
which means
it is whatever you choose 
this is one of the most pertinent universal rules
so next time you feel weak like a frayed suture
remember "i am at cause over my future"

"Walk Tall" - a poem (circa 2001)

Originally written on a scrap of paper coming down off of gawd-knows-what, back when I was getting deep into the SoCal Rave Scene.
A beautiful piece of teenage rebellion against conformity. 

let me melt into the carpet

and seep into the floor

scrape me off the ceiling

and make me whole once more

untangle me from these spider webs

i so lazily spun myself

set me daintily on a cloud

so i can float through life with stealth

toy with my hair

feed bittersweet thoughts into my ear

take me far from this place

because im sick of being here

don’t let them transform me

into the fraud they think i should be

i’ll keep rebelling against the system

til i die or lose my sanity

if i can hold myself together

then i’ll stay strong

if i keep my mind open

i can never be too wrong

let me continue to be a shock

as long as i have energy

let me walk tall

while being the individual

known as me

"fake" - poem (very old...guessing circa 1998)

faltering in her silent steps
she
cries aloud. the light
overwhelms
the senses. come darkness! save
me
from the truth. envelop me
with
your star-studded veil. don't let
her
see our technicolor dreams, for her
plastic
thoughts will pollute the universe, and she will only
smile

"An Evening with Lucy" circa Fall 2001

(originally written on the back of scheduling sheets from a Mann theater I worked at)

he calls out to the sweeping patterns painted upon the sky
confusion sends him spinning off course
the colors won't stop bleeding into each other
so how could he possibly stay within the lines?
everything's all chaos
there's too many angles where there should be curves
delusions crowd his head
all screaming at each other, insisting that they be heard
"shut up!" he shouts "i am in control!"
nothingness laughs back at him, so loud that silence builds to an unbearable level
something inside him snaps and the Transformation is complete
or is he even changing?
too many questions for too small a space
he can feel the air molecules pressing in on all sides
he tries to fight it but something tells him to let go
that arguing with gravity and other such forces of nature would only end with him getting hurt
so he relaxes and allows himself to melt into the breeze
in doing so he becomes pollens and spices from faraway lands
and a million other things too small to be detected by the naked eye
that’s when the mischievousness takes over
if he could not be seen, then how could he be stopped?
a wave of amusement sweeps through him
as he chases cardboard dragonflies and other tentative possibilities
until he is so exhausted he can no longer laugh without his sides hurting
he watches the sun sink into the earth
the cool breath of night awakens all of nature’s insomniacs
the whole universe exhales
and he feels that he is able to stand once again
he does and grows to a height of such great intensity that he hits his head on the moon
“ouch”
the pain is so sharp its almost exquisite
his fingers tingle and he brushes off his self-consciousness so he can walk easier
he can feel dew forming on his eyelashes and silver stars getting entangled in his hair
and he is content, but he feels alone
a walking shadow among brilliant beams of light
but he accepts the darkness because he purposely flips the light switch
“you can’t blame others for your own self-inflicted destruction” he reasons
“did i just think logically? i thought i had left that realm long ago”
then he crashes back down into reality, carried by the weight of rational thought
he is sad because he can no longer deceive those who see with their eyes
or chase flying paper creatures in an emerald sky
but he can still feel the rhythmic breathing of the universe
and he smiles because he knows that those on a different level from him cannot
that comprehension of a greater world is his
that if this is “self-destruction” then surely deterioration is life-giving...

"i cannot for the life of me..." A Gearhead Poem (Circa March 2009)

...fucking sleep

the gears in my head just won't stop turning
yearning
for apexes and curves
racing the birds
towards the heavens
embracing the mountains
words
cannot describe the longing i feel
in my soul
i feel whole
when rubber and steel
are at my command
embrace the wheel in my hands
twisting and turning
nature's demands
and lady luck
are my only concerns
discerning my beloved
free from thinking
all instinct
like breathing or blinking
chase the sun till its sinking
then into the night
you try to follow
all you see
are taillights
and im gone
smiling at your feeble attempts
repeat
your rinsed out
style is spent
long before i've even started
so go join the other ricers
and dearly departed
ill say a prayer for you
next time we meet
just as soon
as i have her back on her feet
i anticipate that day
like a kid's christmas
already have a mile long
wish list
a never ending process
this game we play
but i wouldn't have it
any other way

"Traveler's Mantra" - a poem circa 2011

very old school style prose, like my pre Hip-hop days.. enjoy!

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
-Robert Frost

i dream
in fermented grains
of wild plains
and untamed mountains
challenging freight trains
snow covered passes
spring's fragile grasses
summer's warm, flirtatious embrace
and chilled glasses
filled to the brim
may your cup over-floweth
fellow wanderer, explorer, artist, and poet
go boldly forth
into the unknown
leave behind your family, loved ones, and home
and bear witness to scenes
few others have seen
forge your own path
create your own dreams
and chase them down
despite how overwhelming adversity seems
you will experience hunger
you will know heartache and pain
you will face wildfire and tumultuous rain
you may not survive
you may never come back
but to overcome is to thrive
thru suffering and lack
we learn who we are
our weaknesses and strengths
our boundaries
our ability to push the lengths
of soul and will
despite prosperity or ill
to find happiness within
is a blessed skill
even still
without huge risk
there is no great reward
so keep movin' forward
the journey starts with but a single step
you never know what you'll discover
maybe yourself
the final frontier
so cheers, fellow traveler
to you, me, the unknown
and those whom we love, far away
back at home

Exit Stage Left: A Love Letter to Los Angeles

i finished this right before moving from Southern California to Boulder County:

today is grey quiet and sullen
a reflection of my soul
heavy and swollen
weighted with questions
topics and emotions
heavy as anchors
and deep as oceans
tumultuous storms
wash over my mind
drowning clarity
struggling to find
my way, my path
fighting for breath
among the waves’ wrath
the shore I once knew
and loved so well
is ravaged and torn
a reflection of hell
where is the heaven
i once called home
oh Los Angeles
what have we done?
where is the promise
of golden prosperity
opportunity for all
the tired and poor
we became a charity
spread ourselves too thin
now the infrastructure
is disintegrating from within
the cost of living
is inflated
the local workforce
is degraded
underpaid
overworked
tired and jaded
business is fleeing in droves
driven off by taxes
that never trickle down
just look at the roads
throughout this town
projects lay partially completed
and take decades to finish
this state is depleted
there is nothing left
but broken dreams
smog and potholes
coming apart at the seams
god its fucking awful
i don’t want to admit it
but I gotta let her go
my City of Lights
i love her so
there is nothing here left for me
except a few loved ones
and some scattered family
so I look beyond the Sierras
for a brighter future
severing this bond
like a decayed suture
perhaps one day
i will return
as I know in my heart
i will always yearn
for the mountains, beaches, cities and sleaze
of El Pueblo de la Reina de Los Angeles

"Los Angeles" poem written in a NoHo park circa 2002

i walk the streets of the city
it greets the nitty-gritty
day in and day out
while we struggle to be pretty
if i could
i would leave this vain existence behind
become one with the bricks and cement that i find
as my feet lead me in the direction they desire
i'd grow old with the steel fences and barbed wire
many are inspired by tall trees and mist shrouded mountains
but i am moved by well worn bridges and whispering fountains
so let the rivers of afar
meander on their way
i'm gonna seek solace
in the arms of the city
for today..................

"Summertime" poem circa 2008

i stretch myself slowly out of winter’s bitter slumber
coaxed awake by the calling of spring and all her empty promises
thunderheads swell on the horizon
roll thru the sky with threats of thunder and lightning
expressing their anger in loud, frightening gestures
unleashing warm rains, awakening rivers and springs
then suddenly they are gone
dissipated
leaving behind nourished refreshed bursting life
joyful and glorious in all of its abundance
the embrace of the warm breeze
the vivid colors of the land and sky
the touch of the golden sun against my skin
i want to soak it all up
max out all six of my senses
the rolling hills
the breath of the trees stirring in the restless air
the calls of lazy insects
it all culminates in a beauty that’s almost painfully overwhelming
i can’t believe i am here
in this place
at this precise moment in time
wandering freely and without care
like this day will last forever
stretching out into one endless season
of sunlight and laughter and bold exploration
feeling at one where the wild things roam
on top of the world
spying upon those below with eagle eyed intent
i wish i could grow wings
and never have to return to reality
just float
from meadow to valley
mountain peak to forest
never looking back
until the moon calls me home
to my place in the heavens
settling down at last
in a state of peace and winter’s gentle slumber