New Poem - "Insatiable"

Fresh out the current "Black Book" - which actually has a pink/gold plaid pattern on the cover hehe - I present this piece to you, just written yesterday :)
Hope you enjoy!

“Insatiable”

Your words still burn

like poison in my ears

How do I rid myself

of your ill intent?

Hell bent on destruction

Misery loves broken down company

Fuck 'em

Fuck you

and all the rest

of the Haters

trying to put me down at my best

You are like fire

I won't get too near you again

out of concern you'll burn

Consume

a hunger that never ends

You don't see

so long as you only

Take, and never Give

You will remain Insatiable

for as long as you live...

R.C.H.

Thanks so much for reading!!! Poetry and free writing are such great ways for me to process some of the heavier things in life and get stuff off my chest :)

Don't let the Haters get you down. Keep on keepin' on with yo' bad self <3 <3 <3

*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

B.B.M.F.F. - Belated BadMofo Friday - Neil Young! :)

This post I would like to highlight a personal hero of mine - Neil Young! <3 

I've been listening to this dude since the womb (literally) and got to see him perform for the first time recently in Essex for the launch of his Monsanto Years tour.  It was a life changing experience that still brings tears to my eyes when I recall it, but I'll be writing more in detail about that concert later, along with Mr. Young's current fight to aid Vermont as it undergoes a major lawsuit from the shady, scary powerful big corporate alliance known as the "Grocery Manufacturer's Association" - Mansanto and Starbucks being the primary companies within this group currently under his attack. 

First, I want to focus on Neil Young as a person - what makes him tick; who/what made him the powerful, loving soul that he his today; how his creative process works. Right before going to see him play up by Lake Champlain, I heard an enlightening interview he did with Howard Stern at the end of 2014. I learned a lot about Neil that I never knew before.

And now I love him as not just a musician, but a human being and role model too.
He is, indeed, and Bad Mofo!

random pic from the internet - Neil Young - Chronic Badass and all around Bad Mofo

They talked everything - from Mr. Young's survival of and recovery from childhood onset polio; the trauma of his father abusing his mother and then abandoning the family around the time Neil was 12; flunking out of high school; his influences and struggles as a budding artist; various bands he has played in, and musicians he's rolled with; what it was like to live with Rick James, be recorded by Smokey Robinson, and hang out with Charlie Manson; his personal values and philosophy and how those tie into his work, a description of his creative process that I think any creative type would find beneficial, even a fun little tip on how to manage paranoia induced by cannabis/altered states! One that this 17 year long consciousness explorer had never heard before. ("Chew on a few black peppercorns.") 

I was very inspired by Neil Young's insatiably positive attitude and perceptions about life, the world around him, and his role in it. He is prolific as an artist, and incredibly passionate about the causes he cares about - causes which resonate greatly with me and I think many young people today. The man has seen, overcome, and continues to manage a lot of shit (one of his children has Cerebral Palsy), and has somehow come out of it without harboring any bitterness or resentment. He has a huge "heart of gold" and I feel like he is a great role model for anyone, especially those who may be going through a hard time or facing some sort of challenge (where's my Spoonies at? Much love to ya'all!).

Here is a link to that interview (just audio). Below are my fave quotes.

Hope you find Neil Young's story and philosophy to be as inspiring as I have!

Should you want to learn more about him, Neil has co-written several books, the latest of which came out around the time of this interview, called "Special Deluxe" - a book about his love of cars, and pursuit of alternative energy sources for them (he's a gearhead too! I just love this man!).

"I'm working for the Music, that's my job in my head. I've always felt that was something that was given to me, and I have to give back to It."

"Everybody's family has something in it...These things happen to everybody...Not that particular thing [physical abuse] happens to everybody, thank God, cuz that's not what should happen, and the less of that we have the better off everything is, but, still, things happen, and everybody has the things they remember in their childhood that they wish they hadn't seen...something, there's something not perfect about everyone's childhood, you know."

"Music turned me into myself. I just love being able to disappear into the music."

"[Creativity/Art] It's an accident, it's a gift, and I never question it. I always, whatever I'm doing, if I have an idea I'll stop what I'm doing and do that...The idea is, Do It. You never know when, if you don't do it when it comes, it's a Gift. If somebody gives you a gift, do you throw it down and keep on going? No, you stop and check it out, and you say “Thank You”, or whatever, and treat it nicely. You don't want to scare it away or treat it with disrespect. It's like an animal, it's like a beast or something. You have to be nice...That's why I like to record things right away. So that I get it, before I start thinking. I don't wanna think, I just wanna do it...And then when I start to roll, the first time it comes out it's the right one." (Not sure if this resonates with other artists, but this is exactly how my creative process flows, was very cool to hear - at least for my poetry. Journalism and other forms of writing usually require extensive editing, they don't just "come out" like that.)

"You don't want to judge it [your art], Howard. It's a Gift. You just do it, and later let other people judge It. There's plenty of people to do that, you don't have to go very far and you can find them."

"When you play music you have to come from a certain place when you're doing it, and everything has to be clear, you know. You don't want to disturb that. I mean, I don't. I like to keep the love there. And if the love isn't there, you don't wanna do it."  

“Be great or be gone.”

"It's about the weather, Howard. Some days you got it, some days you don't...it's the Cosmic Weather, you can't always have it, which makes you appreciate it so much when you get it. And that's what life is all about, it's so beautiful the way it keeps changing."

“Find a way to make a living that makes you feel good.”

“Focus on the good things.”

“I'm not a hater. I want to be a lover, I want to love, I want to see what's good.”

“I'm going to do what I can do with the rest of my life...to fight to make the change I wish to see, to turn the Earth around.”

After discussing Neil's interest in Charlie Manson as a musician:

Howard: If you had to spend a day recording with either Charlie Manson or David Crosby, who would you pick?

Neil: That's a great question. I don't know, I'll have to think about that one. (Laughs)

On addiction and drugs: 

"It's a matter of wanting to [quit]. If you try to stop something that you want to do, that's an internal struggle that you really never will win. But if you don't wanna do it because you decide you don't want to do it, then it gets easy...I didn't want to stop because of all the death...I got really tired of waking up that way and not thinking and just hurting myself over and over and I was getting older. It was just a thought process just led me to the conclusion that it was probably not a good idea anymore."

On his book, “Special Deluxe”, Neil's love of cars and the enviornment, and advocacy for alternative energy sources like solar and cellulosic biofuel:

H: This is a book of cars, right? You love cars?

N: Yeah!

H: And yet, you're an environmentalist, and cars pollute the environment, so you're torn, right?

N: Well, that's kinda what the book is about.

H: What are we gonna do about this?

N: We're gonna change it...It's so sad, what's going on. Since 1950, we've lost 90% of the fish in the ocean, and doubled our own population. Since 1970, we've lost half of the wildlife on the planet. So, if you take those same numbers and put them into the future and realize we're actually doing more damage now, and look at our leaders [decisions]...Obama just opened up the Gulf of Mexico to fracking and just gave all the rights away, I don't get the sentience in that...

H: Who's going to change this?

N: It's gonna be people like you and me, Howard...We have to be aware of what's going on, and talk about it, and know that there is a lot that can be done...You don't focus on the negative, you focus on the positive and how much love you still have for this planet and that you can enjoy things and don't get angry about it, but realize that if the USA is the leader of the free world, why is it we're saying we can have maybe 2% solar energy by 2020 and Germany has 50% renewable energy right now, with the same sun and the same crops?

H: Why is that?

N: It's because of the leadership in this country, more than that, it's because of Corporate Control of Democracy, thru things like the Citizens United Act, which we just voted down yet it's still there because the majority wasn't big enough. So in America it's hard to make a change against the corporate powers that are in control of us. They control all of us, everybody that we elect, they're all tainted. Why do we have Hilary Clinton, when she was Secretary of State, going around to Europe to convince the little European countries, “Oh, don't get your oil from Russia. We give you this fracking technology and it's really great and you can frack and get your oil and energy right out of the land.” The thing is, that, this is what's going on – these are our Democrats, okay, these are the people that are supposed to be 'the savior'...and the Democrats are the ones who just opened up the Gulf of Mexico to fracking like the gulf doesn't need a break.

H: Are there a politician or group of politicians that you actually like?

N: None of them are empowered by the system that is here now to do anything other than take money from corporations and be controlled. I don't know of one politician that isn't controlled to some degree by the amount of donations from corporations. That's who paid for the campaigns. All these laws are wrong. They made it legal for corporations to be people. Corporations are not people!...The things that we don't know, I mean we talk about climate change, and we're doing more damage to the earth with all our wars...but if you want to find out, hey, “Freedom”, you can't find out what the carbon footprint is of the military...I don't like war, I think it's all about energy and I think it's gonna end up being about water, because we're using it all up...We outta just start getting smart and use what we have. Renewable energy. There's energy from the sun! Hello! It's right there! If you don't put a hat on it can burn a hole in your head. It's something there, let's use it...And start using our plants, not to take away our food, but cellulosic ethanol and cellulosic biofuels that are actually from the waste of making food, that can be fuel, all this stuff can charge electricity, that can do all kinds of things it can charge batteries, whatever without fossil fuel. I drove my car all the way across from San Francisco to Ft. McMurrey, Alberta, to NYC, without using any gasoline.

Robin: So you had it converted?

N: I rebuilt it, yeah, and I screwed it up and burned it down to the ground, and built it again.

H: So it can be done?

N: It can be done, absolutely. A 6300 pound car, a Lincoln Continental '59, the heaviest damn longest craziest car you ever saw – I drove across the whole country without any gasoline. Remember America, places like Germany are 50% renewable today. It can be done, with leadership. We don't have the leadership we need and it's very disappointing that they're all working for corporations.

“We don't have a choice...as consumers when it comes to fuel...if we had the choice, we could make things happen."

H: How do you know so much about all this?

N: I am studying this because it is really is a matter of life and death for millions and millions of people.

H: You care.

N: (Voice cracks) You're damn right I care. That's all I do. That's all I can do. I'm a famous person, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna relegate myself to People Magazine and some tabloids? That's not me. I wanna do something good and if I can't do something good I'll probably die trying to do something good. I've got nothing else to do. What else could be more rewarding? Nothing.

cover from his self titled studio album released in '68

Thank you so much for reading!

Who are some of your fave Bad Mofo's, and why?

 

*Love & Light*

Renata Carmen

BMFF - Bad Mofo Friday - Louise "Landspeed" Noeth

Starting something new on the blog! :)

Every Friday, I am going to talk about "Bad Mofo's" - people who I find really inspiring. 

Today, I would like to draw attention to an amazing woman I can't believe I've never heard of before. I learned about Louise "Landspeed" Noeth recently while catching up on the Cars Yeah Podcast, where she is described as "a storyteller known for taking complicated subjects and making them entertaining and educational. She founded LandSpeed Productions in 1984 where she provides film and TV consulting, photography, writing, graphic design, and more. Her award-winning works have been published around the world. Dubbed 'LandSpeed Louise', she concentrates on land speed racing and people who do extraordinary feats by designing, building, and driving fast cars, trucks, and motorcycles. She’s one of the few women journalists in the automotive field who’s also comfortable and competent behind the wheel."

A few other traits/accomplishments that make Louise noteworthy:

- She is over 50% deaf, and it was loud exhaust notes that first drew her to cars because of the resonance (I have a soft spot for people with illness or disability, "Chronic Badasses", in case you didn't notice)

- She was first published in Automotive Journalism back in 1980. I started my automotive career in the mid-2000's, and the industry still was/is permeated by the MadMen, "No tits in the pits", bigotry mentality. I can only imagine what the fuck she's overcome during her career!

- She started her photojournalism career as an artist painting pinstripes on cars, then learned to drive, then to wrench, and started writing/taking photos along the way. She is one of the few other female gearheads I've found who not only can fix anything on a car and drive it, but can write and create visual art as well. I have found a female role model doing almost exactly what I want to do! How awesome! Most of my role models are male.
- Louise worked with the Federal Government to help phase out the use of Leaded Gasoline, and implement updated safety regulations for suspension. She also helped the automotive performance and  journalism industries integrate changes created by Federal Emissions Control Implementations in the late 60's/early 70's.

- She helped Team Vesco set the International World Record for the Fastest Wheel Driven Automobile (Over 458 mph! This record still stands, btw. Whose up for the challenge?)
- She has numerous productions and publications under her belt, is working on her second book, has had a monthly column in Goodguys Gazette for over 12 years, and recently became a Chief Judge for the International Automotive Media Competition - an organization striving to set a higher standard in automotive related journalism/media.

- On top of all these amazing contributions, Louise Noeth is a pilot, too!

A quote from her website that really resonates with me and gets me fired up for my own work: 
Unlike most journalists, writers, photographers, artists, and publicists who focus on only one, or perhaps two disciplines, LSL noticed that she could get editors to give her more assignments if she could provide words and pictures — photographed or drawn.

“The hard part was convincing them that I could deliver quality in both areas, because my skills came from ‘on-the-job training’,” she adds, “I’ve never had any formal, academic training, just an overwhelming abundance of enthusiastic curiosity and I’ve discovered that, occasionally, I can whup a hot shot PhD in this news game. I create solutions.”

I love this woman, and am so inspired by her! 

Just some major journalism awards. No big deal ;)

Here is a link to the episode of Cars Yeah I learned about "Landspeed Louise" through, with a few quotes below that stood out to me from the interview. The podcast is only about 30 minutes, perfect for listening to while taking a lunch break, commuting, doing a tune-up, getting your hair did...you get the picture :) Enjoy! 

"I was born that way, with Nomex in my diapers."

"I don't have any training...I essentially took my artistic skills...and used them as a springboard..."

"Don't judge my abilities by your limitations."

"Always look for a place to put that plane down if the engine quits...Don't put your complete trust into someone, because they might let you down, and you may not see something...I became more circumspect. Not that I didn't give 100% when necessary, but I always had a way out."

When speaking of her involvement with Federal Legislation phasing out leaded gas, and suspension safety and emission controls -

"That was big because that effected 100's of thousands of people that I will never meet in a positive way."

"If you wanna play, you gotta pay."

"When you get a test car, wash it yourself...because you'll learn more about the car by washing it, then you will driving it." 

When asked about a personal habit that contributes to her success - 

"It has to be voracity, and details. To never short-shift the reader and the viewer...I can piss off an editor with no problem, but I never want to do that to my readers and my viewers."

"What you do for others, lasts longer, stays stronger, than anything you'll ever do for yourself."

I hope you enjoyed learning about "Landspeed" Louise Noeth! 

What Bad Mofo's get you really inspired? 

*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

Staying Sane in the Midst of a Flare - Keep Pain/Suffering In Context

Been in a pretty rough spot the last few weeks or so due to a flare in my Fibro. Been having major problems with my arms. Had issues with them in the past, but not to this degree. The muscles, tendons, and joints hurt, ache, burn and my whole arms are very weak and shaky.  To the point where I can barely lift my can of seltzer water (*note to self - get straws*).

It's terrifying and frustrating when you've been doing better for a while and then you get debilitated again. And having to manage the pain is the hardest part, not so much the physical side of it, yes that is a huge challenge, but the drugs sure help ("I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me."). Although they don't really make me very functional, just take away the urge to have my arms cut off in hopes of alleviating the pain.

The harder part, for me anyway, is the mental side of pain. Of waking up in Level 10 pain for weeks straight, being too debilitated to do even little things like vacuum, or type (*other note to self, play with voice to text software I was given last year and never messed with* - The creative process just doesn't work the same when my hands aren't involved). Forget about wrenching. All projects are on hold. Yes, I could ask for help, but it's not as satisfying if I don't do the restorations myself. You could say I'm a bit stubborn, yes. If things don't straighten out in the next month I will break down and get some help on my projects. Because up here in Vermont, Winter is Coming! I know it's Midsummer, but we only get so many months to wrench before it gets too cold for major work. Unless you have a heated garage (#goals).

Not only does being miserable from chronic pain/illness/disability make you feel worse, it makes those around you feel awful too. Don't get me wrong, it's pertinent to express one's grief in a healthy manner, but then one must move on. Otherwise we end up a bitter mess that no one wants to be around. And being alone/feeling isolated is another amplifier of disease progression/symptom levels.

I've spoken before about how much Eastern Philosophy helps me manage the mental side of being chronically ill. Today I want to highlight a specific lecture that has been especially helpful to me over the last week as I've struggled with the latest digression in my symptoms.

It's a lecture Alan Watts gave on KQED Public Television in either 1959 or 1960 about Pain/Suffering, and how to manage it mentally using concepts from the East. I hope you find it helpful as well. It's about 30 minutes total, split up into two parts. Below the video clips are a few quotes that stood out to me.





"There is nothing that is so much the very essence of suffering, as the fear of suffering itself."

"The first proposition of the Buddha...is that life as we live it is fundamentally...a kind of chronic frustration, and man's effort is always to get rid of this ["Duhka" - suffering, pain], and go to that ["Suhka" - bliss, happiness]. But the basic idea of the Buddha was that if you have this [suffering], you must have this [bliss] because these two contrast with each other. You don't experience [suffering] unless you experience [bliss], and you don't experience [bliss] unless you experience [suffering]...And therefore, the idea of the Buddha's doctrine was not to get rid of pain and put pleasure in its place, but to go to something else which stands as it were transcending these two opposites, above and beyond them. Which in Sanskrit is called "Ananda" [English equivilant is "ecstasy" - rapture; transport; an overwhelming emotion; a state of sudden, intense feeling]."

"Now how is it that through a profound going into suffering, that is to say, a profound acceptance of it, there can come out of it some sort of bliss? This is the problem we have to understand."

"We find that our feelings depend for their evaluation, as to whether they be positive or negative, very much as to the context in which they occur."

"Therefore, the idea of the Buddha was to become delivered from suffering, not by running away from it, but from looking at the actual concrete reality of what we feel, and forgetting the context." 

Hope you found this to be as helpful as I do! What did you get out of this video?

Should you get any benefit from Mr. Watt's work, please consider supporting his legacy by purchasing some of his original works.

And if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

Many thanks for your continued support!
*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

"Fake" - A Poem

This is an old poem circa 2002 or so.
I'm finally undertaking a long project and digitizing crates of poetry I've been carrying with me for years. Some of it goes as far back as the 5th grade!
This one still stands out as a favorite, and I've been thinking of it recently due to some challenging interpersonal situations. Personally, I'm still stoked on the wordplay on this one :)
Hope you enjoy it too!

Fake

Faltering in her silent steps

she

cries aloud. The light

overwhelms

the senses. Come, darkness! Save

me

from the truth. Envelop me

with

your star-studded veil. Don't let

her

see our technicolor dreams. For her

plastic

thoughts will ruin the universe, and she will only

smile.

-R.C.H.

Thanks for reading!

*Love & Light*

Renata Carmen
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

Accepting a "New Normal" - My Struggle with Reintegration

Old Zen Saying: 

“Before enlightenment, carry water, chop wood. After enlightenment, carry water, chop wood.”

“Where the hell have you been, Renata?”

It’s been several months since I’ve updated this blog, or been a regular on Facebook, or responded to emails in a timely manner. A lot of people in my life have been wondering what happened to me, and I’ve been stuck in my own little world, struggling to reconnect and carry on with my life.

In fact, ever since I was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in February, I’ve found I’ve had to force myself to interact with others. Every aspect of my life, especially my social and personal life, has been flipped completely upside-down, especially when I first started getting sick.  I was so taken by surprise and overwhelmed and heartbroken by the deterioration in my health, it was all I could do to keep up with each day. I was riddled with grief, bitterness, anger, and despair over the perceived betrayal of my body and mind as my condition continued to get worse, despite my best efforts and countless labs and tests to try and figure things out. But at least then I was still trying to reach out to others. When my illness became so bad I was completely homebound, I found myself consumed with depression, and felt hideous stabs of heart-wrenching envy towards others in better health. Like a poison it seeped into every pore and warped my perception of reality. Suddenly my Facebook feed was filled with negative comments, petty complaints, and self-absorbed pictures. Conversations with most people seemed to revolve around things that no longer matter to me, like what commercials were funny last night, what the major headlines were, or who won American Idol. It grossed me out, shocked and confused me, had become something I could no longer identify with.

In short, I felt as though I had been completely removed from society. Like a homeless person pressed up against a restaurant window, drooling over all the marvelous dishes being served inside, imagining what it tastes like, smells like, feels like, to be one of those lucky diners on the other side of the glass. Hungering for the shared experience but having no idea how to become integrated, and despairing over the loss. Despairing because you feel like you will never, ever get to be apart of the greater whole ever again.

Not my art, but yeah this is a good visual of my struggle

After three long years of desperately seeking some sort of official diagnoses and finally getting it earlier this year, you’d think that would make it easier to reintegrate. To pick up the pieces of my life and fit them back together. Or at least I thought that’s what would happen. Instead, I find myself still desperately struggling to become apart of the fabric of society again. Not only to help others in any way I can, especially those who suffer from chronic illness or pain, a calling I feel deep in my soul and cannot ignore, but for my own sanity as well. Human beings are social creatures, we need intimacy and interaction to be healthy, whole people. I used to be an incredibly social person, always keeping up on the affairs of those I care about, organizing and attending events of all kinds, but that has all changed over the last couple years. Mostly it has to do with my chronic fatigue, compromised mental capacities, and UV sensitivity. I just don’t have the energy to do what I used to, and my “brain fog” affects my memory and communication skills, which makes me self-conscious in ways I never was before 2011. And the light sensitivity is just downright fucking inconvenient and odd. I always get the “This bitch is crazy!” look from others when it’s brought up in conversation or they notice me shunning sunshine and fluorescent lights like some kind of non-sparkly vampire. (Just to be clear, my favorite vampires remain those conjured by Anne Rice, which do not sparkle under any circumstances.)

But I find what inhibits my socialization and activity the most is my perspective, more so than the physical or mental limitations I’ve become so self-conscious of. Thankfully, the bitterness, anger, and resentment have mostly faded away. I still catch myself mourning all the losses I’ve experienced: relocating from the friends, music, and culture of Boulder, Colorado, to this sleepy Southern Vermont village more than 3 hours from any major city; having to leave my blossoming career with Whole Foods (the greatest company I ever worked for and one I could have actually pictured staying with for more than a couple years before getting burnt out and bored) because I can no longer physically or mentally keep up, and not being able to work in general; managing all the scary and bizarre symptoms associated with Fibromyalgia...but I suppose that is why grief is called a “process”...We never fully get over these deep losses, but the pain gets a little better every day. Eastern Philosophy and altered states of consciousness sure help to speed up these travails!

Alan Watts, one of the greatest men you've never heard of and a major part of my Sanity Regiment

What hasn’t changed and makes my reintegration so damned difficult is this feeling of being an “outsider”. I’ve undergone, and am still undergoing, a massive change as a person. I feel like a caterpillar that is becoming a butterfly. I’m being “tempered” by my struggles, by my near-death experiences, by my assumptions and beliefs being completely flipped on me. I, like the majority of people it seems, took certain things for granted, things that seemed like “givens” in life, things that were uncompromisable, unshakable, like the Law of Gravity. Things like being physically and mentally able to work or do chores, having the stamina to go about your day without needing to rest after 4 to 5 hours of activity, being able to stand in sunlight or under fluorescents. But I’ve come to realize that these are not experiences to be taken for granted. Every nerve that tingles, every pore that breathes, every sensation experienced, every moment you have in this body on this planet at this time, is a massive blessing and not to be taken lightly.

Yet it’s so easy to forget, isn’t it? As we go about our days, absorbed in the stress of the “Real World”, of our commutes and families and bills and Reality TV and Fantasy Football and politics and major headlines, we completely forget who we are, and all that we have. Until something is taken away, goes amiss, breaks down, we tend to not notice it’s even there. Like toilets. You take yours for granted, until it stops working and you have to wait for the plumber to come out and fix it. 

But what happens if the plumber doesn’t know what’s wrong with the toilet? And you see a bunch of different kinds of plumbers who do all kinds of tests and they still can’t figure it out? I guess plumbing isn’t as big a deal as the body, if your pipes or toilet are that messed up you can pull it all out and start over. It’s messy and expensive and a huge PITA, but it’s not like when there’s something wrong with your body and the doctors can’t figure it out. You can’t scrap your body and start over fresh with a new one when something goes terribly wrong. I used to believe that doctors knew everything about the body and how to fix it. But after the last couple years of bouncing from specialist to surgeon, lab to lab, shitting and pissing in cups and drawing more blood than a transfusion patient, I’ve learned that’s not the case at all. There’s a lot we don’t know about the body or why it goes wrong or how to fix it, more than most medical professionals will admit. Especially when it comes to the Central Nervous and Immune Systems going haywire. They seem to understand that about as well as Homer Simpson understands Quantum Mechanics. 

Come to think of it, this is how most medical professionals treat me when I'm telling them my full medical history

And that will shake up your little world, too. I thought I could trust the professionals, but their methods of treatment for diseases like Fibro are about as advanced as using leeches or cutting to drain the demons out of your blood when you’re sick with the flu. 

   What can you trust in this world when The Unshakables you’ve built your foundation upon fall apart? Like the functionings of your body or mind? How does one find stability in a seemingly chaotic and cold universe? How do you make the most out of a bad hand dealt to you by the luck of the draw? How can you go back to living life like you did before? Be the person you were when your friends met you? Will they still like me, accept me, now that I’m so different from who I was? How in the hell do I even have conversations now? Why is it so fucking hard for me to come out of this hermetic place, to come down from this lonely mountain top and be amongst the masses again? Is it because I see from up here we are all playing roles in this life, wearing masks, masks we call personas, but most of us have forgotten we’re playing a game and take it far too seriously for my liking? So seriously, in fact, that we kill and rape and pillage and gossip and war over it?

You shouldn’t have to go through hell like I have to understand this, but it seems that is the only way to see The Human Game with clarity. It seems this is why older, “more primitive” societies have Shamans, Witch Doctors, Monks, Hermits, Zen Masters. They help society stay balanced by providing an outside perspective. Maybe this is what I’m supposed to do. People ask me why I don’t watch or read mainstream news, radio, or television. It’s the same reason I’ve had a hard time getting back on Facebook. Our input drives our creativity, shapes our reality, molds what we believe is possible. There is such a huge amount of negativity on social and mainstream media I find it dizzying. If I allowed the inputs of mainstream society to shape my decisions, habits, and beliefs, I’d be taking pills to “manage” my illness, still be eating like shit, and bitching about my health/life in the progress. I wouldn’t be doing anything proactive about it. I never would have developed the gall to self-experiment with herbs, neurotransmitters, diet, and lifestyle, seeking my own solutions and listening to my own body rather than relying on the dogma of others. 

Has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm talking about, I just love the movie Dogma and Buddy Christ

Because we’re told over and over again, through magazines, newspapers, television, radio, and advertising, that we’re not good enough. That we’re incapable of empowerment or creativity or self-sufficiency. That you need a middle-man to help you manage your health, your money, your consciousness, your spirituality, your life. And that your persona is not a game, but very much real and to be taken deadly serious. Because otherwise you aren’t producing and consuming and that makes you a bad citizen in a Consumerist Based Society. 

Well, if my role is to be the Outsider Looking In, then maybe I should embrace it and be the best damn Hermit I can be. But I can only be useful if I come down off this summit and reintegrate. What’s the point of this journey, of my personal struggles and accomplishments, if I’m not giving anything back, if I’m the only one aware of them? Maybe my experiences could help ease the suffering of others, which I feel a strong urge, almost compulsion, to do in any way I can. No one should ever suffer needlessly, should ever have to walk this road alone, be denied the many options available to them for healing strictly because of outdated taboos and propaganda. 

And maybe I can use this as my “Why Power” (mad props to Darren Hardy!!) to overcome my withdrawal from society. Understanding Human Folly shouldn’t cause me to condemn or repel from it. 

It’s just part of The Game that we all play, whether we’re aware of it or not. Being aware of it doesn’t make anyone better or separate from others, it just enables one to play and learn more efficiently. To see life for the drama, the great dance that it is, and to enjoy the act of dancing rather than losing out on the present moment by obsessing over a destination, worrying over what tomorrow will bring, focusing on what we don’t have instead of realizing the vast abundance that constantly surrounds us, if only we would open ourselves up to it and embrace it. Not to pull away and close ourselves off from the immense beauty and magic happening. Happening Right Now. At This Very Moment. And this one. And this one too.

Let’s get off our apathetic asses and go experience as much as we can handle, relishing the Present Moment in all its glory, with an attitude of gratitude. Even if all I can do today is the most bare-bones of basics, if I can only handle being out of bed for short periods of time because I’m so fucking wiped out from fatigue and malaise and stomach issues that have me running to the toilet every couple minutes, I can still revel in the fact that I’m alive, that I have my perspective to contribute, that I can see and hear and feel and talk and think and dream. 

That I am one unique expression of the energy that comprises this glorious and mysterious Universe, and that is more than enough, and I am content.

And you are too!  We can all learn from each other, from the different perspectives we hold, if only we can develop the courage and strength to reach out to others, to share our vulnerabilities rather than hide from them. To come down from this damned lonely mountain top. The first step is always the hardest... Baby steps. I’ll start making small changes today to get me back on course.

‘Cuz holy shit, am I “ronery”! I miss you, world.

Is your glass half empty, or half full? What will you do to seize this day?  

*Love & Light* 

Renata “The Chronic Badass” Carmen

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)