Some very exciting things have been happening here in Renata Land!
First off, a huge shout-out, and massive thanks to The Speed Girls for featuring me on their website! It's a beautiful feature, and I am incredibly honored to be considered "The Real Deal" next to all those other badass women they have on there!
I will be keeping this site up until I have archived all the old material on here, but from now on, go to http://www.renatacarmen.com/ to check out future blog posts, and keep up with my myriad of projects and misadventures!
Thank you, faithful readers, for your continued support! It means the world to me and I'm just so excited for things to come :) :) :)
Hello there!
It's been longer than I prefer since I've last posted on here :/
Between the Neil Young concert my man and I were lucky enough to attend a few weeks ago upstate, being a heat sensitive person in the peak of New England summer (woah, humidity!), and the sudden drop in temps we've had over the last week (WTF, signs of Fall already? Winter is coming! Ah, Rural Vermont Life), along with a few other health issues I won't get into, I have been pretty laid low.
"Low on spoons" as they say ;)
But, I'm back on my feet, caught up on a major freelance project I've been trying to hammer out for some time (Shameless self-plug: Go get a subscription to Auto Restorer magazine!), and am very excited about everything that is happening right now, including posts for this blog that I've been wanting to get out for some time.
Driving Upstate Vermont in Late Summer is a glorious experience! :)
A preview of what's to come: - A write-up about the Neil Young concert, and the Monsanto/Starbucks/Grocery Manufacturer's Alliance lawsuit against the state of Vermont - New Product reviews! - UV Clothing, UV Parasols, Collapsible Canes, and other "Spoonie" friendly wear/aids - The last part of my series about my mental approaches to managing life with chronic illness - New B.M.F.F.'s - "BadMofo Fridays" - Where each week I'll be highlighting various people who inspire me - A new series about who I am, and how I manage my Fibromyalgia thru Diet and Lifestyle - Completing a series I started a long time ago about how I manage seasonal allergies, colds, and flus using natural remedies that actually work (something that has plagued me since I was born, and have a ton of anecdotal and scientific evidence for)
It's moving more slowly than I'd prefer, but I'm learning how to work with the Fibro and become a better integrated artist, entrepreneur, and person every day.
And that is all that matters.
Fall colors are already starting to show in the mountains up here in New England
And now, a new piece of poetry I wrote over the last few weeks.
I was in a bit of a haze when it came out, and looking at it now, I am still not completely sure who or what this is about. It could be one of a few matters I've been trying to work thru, or a combo of them.
Either way, it's pretty, if I don't say so myself :) Enjoy, and thank you so much for reading!!!
Been in a pretty rough spot the last few weeks or so due to a flare in my Fibro. Been having major problems with my arms. Had issues with them in the past, but not to this degree. The muscles, tendons, and joints hurt, ache, burn and my whole arms are very weak and shaky. To the point where I can barely lift my can of seltzer water (*note to self - get straws*).
It's terrifying and frustrating when you've been doing better for a while and then you get debilitated again. And having to manage the pain is the hardest part, not so much the physical side of it, yes that is a huge challenge, but the drugs sure help ("I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me."). Although they don't really make me very functional, just take away the urge to have my arms cut off in hopes of alleviating the pain.
The harder part, for me anyway, is the mental side of pain. Of waking up in Level 10 pain for weeks straight, being too debilitated to do even little things like vacuum, or type (*other note to self, play with voice to text software I was given last year and never messed with* - The creative process just doesn't work the same when my hands aren't involved). Forget about wrenching. All projects are on hold. Yes, I could ask for help, but it's not as satisfying if I don't do the restorations myself. You could say I'm a bit stubborn, yes. If things don't straighten out in the next month I will break down and get some help on my projects. Because up here in Vermont, Winter is Coming! I know it's Midsummer, but we only get so many months to wrench before it gets too cold for major work. Unless you have a heated garage (#goals).
Not only does being miserable from chronic pain/illness/disability make you feel worse, it makes those around you feel awful too. Don't get me wrong, it's pertinent to express one's grief in a healthy manner, but then one must move on. Otherwise we end up a bitter mess that no one wants to be around. And being alone/feeling isolated is another amplifier of disease progression/symptom levels.
I've spoken before about how much Eastern Philosophy helps me manage the mental side of being chronically ill. Today I want to highlight a specific lecture that has been especially helpful to me over the last week as I've struggled with the latest digression in my symptoms.
It's a lecture Alan Watts gave on KQED Public Television in either 1959 or 1960 about Pain/Suffering, and how to manage it mentally using concepts from the East. I hope you find it helpful as well. It's about 30 minutes total, split up into two parts. Below the video clips are a few quotes that stood out to me.
"There is nothing that is so much the very essence of suffering, as the fear of suffering itself." "The first proposition of the Buddha...is that life as we live it is fundamentally...a kind of chronic frustration, and man's effort is always to get rid of this ["Duhka" - suffering, pain], and go to that ["Suhka" - bliss, happiness]. But the basic idea of the Buddha was that if you have this [suffering], you must have this [bliss] because these two contrast with each other.You don't experience [suffering] unless you experience [bliss], and you don't experience [bliss] unless you experience [suffering]...And therefore, the idea of the Buddha's doctrine was not to get rid of pain and put pleasure in its place, but to go to something else which stands as it were transcending these two opposites, above and beyond them. Which in Sanskrit is called "Ananda" [English equivilant is "ecstasy" - rapture; transport; an overwhelming emotion; a state of sudden, intense feeling]."
"Now how is it that through a profound going into suffering, that is to say, a profound acceptance of it, there can come out of it some sort of bliss? This is the problem we have to understand."
"We find that our feelings depend for their evaluation, as to whether they be positive or negative, very much as to the context in which they occur." "Therefore, the idea of the Buddha was to become delivered from suffering, not by running away from it, but from looking at the actual concrete reality of what we feel, and forgetting the context."
Hope you found this to be as helpful as I do! What did you get out of this video? Should you get any benefit from Mr. Watt's work, please consider supporting his legacy by purchasing some of his original works.
And if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) Many thanks for your continued support! *Love & Light* Renata Carmen
"Rough start so far, but determined to turn things around. Emo and in pain from ovulation. Didn't sleep as long/deeply as needed and am exhausted and ready to go back to bed even though I just got up. Also stiff, sore, nauseous. Woke up sad/angry about my life circumstances - about feeling rejected/misunderstood by both sides of my family, about money, independence, my health and stamina and sun sensitivity, disability. My brain started going down fast. Started crying, feeling overwhelmed, wanted to break down and start destroying furniture and shit. But this energy does nothing positive or constructive for me at all, and I know everything I'm feeling is valid, but I must channel the river of my emotions accordingly so as not to get swept away in a path of irreversible destruction.
This day is mine, I claim it, to do with it as I please. I will focus on my blessings, all that I do have, and I will work my ass off to the best of my ability to get as much done as I can, and whatever my best is today, that's okay. It's okay to feel what I feel. It's not okay to wallow, to waste this precious gift of a day by crying and feeling sorry for myself, by focusing on what I lack. This days is mine, I claim and own it, here and now. I can make it into whatever I want it to be, whatever I choose to focus on.
And I choose love and light and magick and art and creativity and laughter and adventure and service.
This I choose. And so it shall be.
Praise Jah!"
Living with Fibromyalgia means that I wake up pretty much every day already struggling before I even get out of bed. With either physical pain and other symptoms like nausea, vertigo, and arthritis, or mental/emotional pain due to chronic illness and disability, like anxiety and depression. Waking up feeling awful makes not only turning your day (and anyone's who happens to wake up next to you) around incredibly difficult, being overwhelmed by emotion can sap one of energy and deplete your immune system, which is already quite taxed for us "spoonies" of the world.
So, how do I turn shitty mornings, or anytime of day, around into something positive and productive, despite the fact that I live with a debilitating, life altering and life long illness?
In my previous post in this series, I discussed the benefits I receive from daily studies of psychology and philosophy. Today I'll be discussing the next cornerstones in my drug-free symptom management tool kit - Comedy and Humor. As I was writing the previously quoted journal entry earlier today, I put my favorite comedy bits on and you can see how it helped turn my mood from dark, stormy, destruction into one of determination and positive focus.
Simply Google "the benefits of laughter" and countless medical resources come up with articles detailing how laughter, like creativity, aids blood pressure and vascular flow, reduces stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, helps the pituitary gland produce endogenous opiates thus naturally reducing pain, increase memory and learning, bond partners/groups and the two halves of the brain, and workout the diaphragm, abdominal, respiratory, leg, and back muscles. Working out while laughing? What a fun extra side effect! I'll take all the extra exercise I can, since my stamina is still pretty low and I'm not able to be as active as I'd like. And as for the strengthening bonds thing, I can tell you firsthand that humor is one of the biggest saviors of my long-term relationship, which started shortly before the onset of my illness and has seen some serious tests over the 4 plus years we've been together now.
Check out this quote from Dr. William Fry of Stanford University on http://www.care2.com:
"Humor and creativity work in similar ways – by creating relationships between two disconnected items, you engage the whole brain. Humor works quickly. Less than a half-second after exposure to something funny, and electrical wave moves through the higher brain functions of the cerebral cortex. The left hemisphere analyzes the words and structures of the joke; the right hemisphere “gets” the joke; the visual sensory area of the occipital lobe creates images; the limbic (emotional) system makes you happier; and the motor sections make you smile or laugh.
So let’s laugh." Word, homie! Let's laugh indeed, even in the face of seemingly overwhelming circumstances. One of my favorite ways to get my daily dose of comedy is through podcasts. Podcasts have become one of my favorite media sources because they are usually free, instantly accessible, and have very little advertising - which not only means less commercials to skip through, but more freedom to the podcasters to express themselves without censoring their beliefs or language.
Some of my favorite podcasts for comedy are:The Joe Rogan Experience (he also has very interesting guests on there, so you learn while you laugh), Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast, and The Duncan Trussell Family Hour (he also has interesting guests in addition to being very funny, and a few years ago overcame cancer in one of his balls and the loss of his mother - whom he had on as a guest not longer before she passed and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed). Here's some of my favorite comedy bits (all of which I've watched this morning). Hope you enjoy them as much as I do!
I love this bit and have watched it probably dozens of times. This is my go-to when I feel especially down and have no interest in anything goofy or silly. But it perks me up everytime! The Stages of Grief by Robot Chicken. I find it to be a perfect metaphor for chronic illness/disability especially. Fucking hilarious!
Maybe you have to be sorta fucked up or have crazy family to truly appreciate "Billiam", but I love this man. He is probably one of my favorite comedians.
Haha yes, at 30 years old, this is my life right now!
Fucked up thoughts, we all have 'em. Bill's just happens to be really funny. Maybe partly why I love this man so much is he makes me feel sane ;)
One last Bill Burr bit. For recovering Christians like myself. I laughed so hard the first time I saw this one I teared up :) More Robot Chicken, some of their Star Wars Parodies (some of my faves, go Seth Green!)
I could list dozens more of my favorite comedy bits, but I think I've given you enough to mull over here for now. What are some of your favorite ways to laugh, or do you have any favorite comedians or podcasts? Thanks for reading! *Love & Light* Renata Carmen Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
Well good morning, beautiful piece of poetry I don't remember writing last night :) I'm diggin' the word play and theme of this one. Enjoy!
feeling sick
but unbroken
these words are spoken
by a warrior with Yaqui provokin'
the fight in my veins
yeah
you thought you killed us all off
well, guess again
we're too damned stubborn and strong
to ever be kept down for long
you see
we've still got the Earth Mother connection
Father Sky looking down, sending us lessons
so easily missed by those all amiss
lost and confused, like you're in a deep mist
but with my Yoeme eyes I can see
the inner workings and harmonies
of this world, this universe, how ever many may be
my culture claims Five
but could be indefinitely
ongoing, ever flowing
outward and in
like a fractal
eternal, infinite
look deep within
and you'll find you're part of it too
the entire universe is also in you
and out at the same time
reality is a mindfuck
but it's fine, more than fine
it's amazing, divine
join in the Cosmic Dance
don't worry about keeping time, or score
just enjoy the present score of music
the Great Party
the dancer's decor
a feast for the senses
but only if your tenses
are focused on the present moment
with no pretenses
own it, be relentless
in your pursuit of happiness and contentment
many naysayers will say it can't be done
but only of their own resentments, my son
so chase down your folly
life's too short otherwise
may you be ever jolly no matter the size
of any battles you might wager this day
remember, you're strong as Yoeme
or whatever Ancestor blood runs through your veins
pay tribute to them by being strong despite the pain
know to experience, to be alive, is to truly be blessed
even when you're stressing or not feeling your best
if life's a play, then let me play my role well
seems my Persona's deemed to guide others up out of Hell
oh well, so be it
I can't think of anyone better
considering my wings have been scorched
but I still have my feathers
I've weathered many storms
Please, give me strength for the next
until this role is no longer needed
then at last I shall rest
when the Persona exits Stage Left
and I move on to whatever Cosmic Play is next...
Sometimes the words come out kinda crazy like
Thanks for reading! *Love & Light* Renata Carmen Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
Oh so very flared up today and the last several days. Have been battling vertigo and brain fog pretty bad. Please pardon any typos or poorly constructed sentences as a result :)
Spring is rough on my Fibromyalgia due to fluctuations in barometric pressure. Just gotta ride out a few more weeks. Then the weather should stop fluctuating from Winter to Summer, and finally settle into the warm glories of Summer in Vermont. Besides the ticks, mosquitoes, and poison oak, this place is heaven during the warmer months. Heaven all year really, if you're into the four seasons thing. Which I totally am. But I digress.
I'm not here to talk to you about nature or the seasons or Vermont. Not today, anyhow.
Today I want to share something very important to me, and maybe it will help someone else too.
Living with a disabling chronic illness can be a total mindfuck. There's a reason medical professionals tend to automatically dole out anti-depressants when a patient is diagnosed with something like Fibro. Your entire quality of life is altered in ways you can't comprehend unless you've been through something similar yourself. The difference between gnosis and simple book knowledge, I suppose. The entire experience could break a person's will and mind if not managed properly.
I'll save the discussion of my favorite plants and chemicals for managing my Fibro and the stresses of living with it for a time when I don't feel like I'm stuck on the Disneyland "Teacups" ride for several days straight.
Not so fun when you're unable to get off the ride
For now I'd like to focus on drug-free ways of feeling good even when living with something as challenging as chronic pain and illness. Drug-free methods are awesome because you don't have to worry about safety or tolerance, they're legal everywhere, and they give empowerment to the patient. Either used alone or in combination with your favorite chemical cocktail, these methods have and continue to prove to be invaluable to me in my day to day life.
I know what it's like to wake up feeling like death, either due to an illness, or depression, or some other life circumstance. Waking up exhausted, in unimaginable pain, and struggling to get out of bed. I woke up like that yesterday, and today, and probably will tomorrow. The joys of illness.
How do you keep from going mad when faced with such a grim Groundhog's day existence?
Finding humor within the madness
For me, it's all about perspective. Our perspective molds our realities, fuels our creativity, drives our immune systems. Instead of starting my days off with the news or social media, I start off listening to something that will fuel me rather than bog me down. As a "spoonie" with limited energy, this is pertinent to being able to maximize my use of each day.
The beauty of living in the Information Age is we have access to pretty much any piece of data ever recorded, for free or very close to that. You can learn about anything you want. You can choose which forms of media you will consume, which communities you'll interact with. You can filter your online reality into the ultimate educational/inspirational machine. Or you can turn it into a nightmarish collage of death and destruction and despair. You decide. It's your reality, after all.
My favorite topics are Personal Development, Comedy, and Philosophy/Psychology, specifically Eastern Philosophy. I'd tried studying Zen and integrating meditation into my life in the past, but as a Westerner and recovering Lutheran I found the concepts so foreign I wasn't able to properly grasp them, got frustrated, and gave them up.
Then I discovered the work of Alan Watts. He was a brilliant Comparative Philosopher who helped popularize mainstream interest in Eastern Religions during the 50's and 60's. By lecturing in an entertaining way on the similarities and differences between the West and East, he helped the United States to understand both cultures and their religions/philosophies with greater clarity and insight.
I find his words to be very helpful in my day to day struggles. They continually help me to keep my perspective positive, by reminding me how little we understand, and how beautiful the mystery is. A mystery of which you and are also apart.
It helps that his voice is so soothing you don't care what he's discussing, like listening to a waterfall.
I also love the work of Psychologists Carl Jung and Robert Anton Wilson. Studying the mind helps me to understand and manage my mental battles with more skill and strategy.
Honorable mention goes out to Ann Shulgin, who has worked as a Lay-Psychotherapist, and shared her experiences in the brilliant and taboo shattering books she co-wrote with her husband - the late, great Chemist, Alex "Shasha" Shulgin (RIP Sasha. Thank you for your tireless and fearless dedication to studying consciousness!). Even if you have no interest in chemistry or pharmacology, there's a damned good tale of love, hope, and adventure interwoven in those pages.
Some of the greatest explorers you've probably never heard of
I hope by sharing with you here that you too may find peace and serenity from the many works of these great souls, or if not, the inspiration to seek out your own favorite "mind fuel" to help give you the strength and inspiration to overcome whatever mountain you're struggling to climb.
Next post I'll discuss my favorite comedians and how laughter effects our health, immune system, and pain levels.
What are your favorite drug-free methods to manage stress, anxiety, and/or depression? Thanks for reading! *Love & Light* Renata Carmen *Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
Breaking the poetry back out. This is a recent one, just wrote it last week. For my fellow "Spoonies", "Chronic Badasses", or anyone on the struggle...Keep up, stay strong! We all have moments of weakness in our battles - this was one of mine that I managed to turn around in the end.
For me, freewriting is one of the best forms of therapy.
Hope you enjoy!
Please tell me that I'm strong enough for this
When you look at me do you see my pain or strength?
I'm trying to bend like a willow in the wind
but I feel I might crack
I fear I may break
If I did a good thing then why
Why do I
why do I feel so sad?
Why do I feel so bad?
why do I cry?
Why am I so beat down
it's just a hurricane blowing everything around
Flipping my world upside-down
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
These thorns in my flesh are spread all around
Heart and Mind pound
Feeling heavier than gravity
Wanna crawl into a deep, underground cavity
and rest
Say I did my best
as I breathe my last into the Earth Mother's sweet breast
But that would be a lie
Surely, I'd be sent back to finish what I started
To guide and soothe the lost and broken hearted
A job only I can do in the way that I do it
Now, if only I can be strong enough to see through it
Please
Let the tears stop
Let the pain subside
Give me the strength
to get up and ride
On to better places
Friendlier faces
filled with the presence of God's graces
Time erases all pain
I know it's hard to think sunshine when you're lost in the rain
But you have everything to gain
if you so choose
Blessings are often disguised as blues
and wise men as simple fools
So, follow your folly!
Be free from sadness
May your heart overflow with gladness
Even at your darkest hour
What's yours is mine, and I give you Power,
Strength, and Love
May it flow like a river down from above
and sustain you when you need it most
From sister to sister
and coast to coast
Together
we're far stronger than one ever could be
United we stand
my fellow Spoonies...
*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
This heat wave has had me in a pretty bad Flare, so I haven't gotten as much writing done as I've wanted, but I'm excited to have a brand new piece of poetry to post. It's been a while since I've written any poetry. Hope you enjoy!
i am a great light
i will rise to this fight
i’ll never back down
so long as i have my mouth
i’ll bite
on the jugular of entropy
til it turns red, then white
(naysayers are no friend to me)
i am more
than these walls
and long paced halls
greater than the sum
of my weaknesses & flaws
i’ll rise above my own desolation
& find inspiration
thru the cultivation
of a much needed cause
because
i am stronger than my disease
weakened hands, hips, knees
skin & hair rebelling, organs melting
a mind that’s failing
even if i say “please”
begging all the deities
for mercy
do you think they heard me?
the trees whisper prayers
like a clergy
they urge me
onward, remind me i’m not alone
in Mother Nature i always have a home
i ask the Muse for guidance
& realize the eyes i’m looking into are my own
i alone possess all tools needed for this quest
i should have known, shoulda guessed
for i am a great light
i’m stronger than my disease
infinite as deep space
and stronger than the seas
tho it may be darkest night
dawn always proceeds
just hang on a little longer
you are stronger
than your weaknesses & desperate pleas
Child of the Universe, Infinite, Divine
breathe in and know that everything will be fine
*Love & Light* Renata Carmen Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
