New Poem - "Insatiable"

Fresh out the current "Black Book" - which actually has a pink/gold plaid pattern on the cover hehe - I present this piece to you, just written yesterday :)
Hope you enjoy!

“Insatiable”

Your words still burn

like poison in my ears

How do I rid myself

of your ill intent?

Hell bent on destruction

Misery loves broken down company

Fuck 'em

Fuck you

and all the rest

of the Haters

trying to put me down at my best

You are like fire

I won't get too near you again

out of concern you'll burn

Consume

a hunger that never ends

You don't see

so long as you only

Take, and never Give

You will remain Insatiable

for as long as you live...

R.C.H.

Thanks so much for reading!!! Poetry and free writing are such great ways for me to process some of the heavier things in life and get stuff off my chest :)

Don't let the Haters get you down. Keep on keepin' on with yo' bad self <3 <3 <3

*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

B.B.M.F.F. - Belated BadMofo Friday - Neil Young! :)

This post I would like to highlight a personal hero of mine - Neil Young! <3 

I've been listening to this dude since the womb (literally) and got to see him perform for the first time recently in Essex for the launch of his Monsanto Years tour.  It was a life changing experience that still brings tears to my eyes when I recall it, but I'll be writing more in detail about that concert later, along with Mr. Young's current fight to aid Vermont as it undergoes a major lawsuit from the shady, scary powerful big corporate alliance known as the "Grocery Manufacturer's Association" - Mansanto and Starbucks being the primary companies within this group currently under his attack. 

First, I want to focus on Neil Young as a person - what makes him tick; who/what made him the powerful, loving soul that he his today; how his creative process works. Right before going to see him play up by Lake Champlain, I heard an enlightening interview he did with Howard Stern at the end of 2014. I learned a lot about Neil that I never knew before.

And now I love him as not just a musician, but a human being and role model too.
He is, indeed, and Bad Mofo!

random pic from the internet - Neil Young - Chronic Badass and all around Bad Mofo

They talked everything - from Mr. Young's survival of and recovery from childhood onset polio; the trauma of his father abusing his mother and then abandoning the family around the time Neil was 12; flunking out of high school; his influences and struggles as a budding artist; various bands he has played in, and musicians he's rolled with; what it was like to live with Rick James, be recorded by Smokey Robinson, and hang out with Charlie Manson; his personal values and philosophy and how those tie into his work, a description of his creative process that I think any creative type would find beneficial, even a fun little tip on how to manage paranoia induced by cannabis/altered states! One that this 17 year long consciousness explorer had never heard before. ("Chew on a few black peppercorns.") 

I was very inspired by Neil Young's insatiably positive attitude and perceptions about life, the world around him, and his role in it. He is prolific as an artist, and incredibly passionate about the causes he cares about - causes which resonate greatly with me and I think many young people today. The man has seen, overcome, and continues to manage a lot of shit (one of his children has Cerebral Palsy), and has somehow come out of it without harboring any bitterness or resentment. He has a huge "heart of gold" and I feel like he is a great role model for anyone, especially those who may be going through a hard time or facing some sort of challenge (where's my Spoonies at? Much love to ya'all!).

Here is a link to that interview (just audio). Below are my fave quotes.

Hope you find Neil Young's story and philosophy to be as inspiring as I have!

Should you want to learn more about him, Neil has co-written several books, the latest of which came out around the time of this interview, called "Special Deluxe" - a book about his love of cars, and pursuit of alternative energy sources for them (he's a gearhead too! I just love this man!).

"I'm working for the Music, that's my job in my head. I've always felt that was something that was given to me, and I have to give back to It."

"Everybody's family has something in it...These things happen to everybody...Not that particular thing [physical abuse] happens to everybody, thank God, cuz that's not what should happen, and the less of that we have the better off everything is, but, still, things happen, and everybody has the things they remember in their childhood that they wish they hadn't seen...something, there's something not perfect about everyone's childhood, you know."

"Music turned me into myself. I just love being able to disappear into the music."

"[Creativity/Art] It's an accident, it's a gift, and I never question it. I always, whatever I'm doing, if I have an idea I'll stop what I'm doing and do that...The idea is, Do It. You never know when, if you don't do it when it comes, it's a Gift. If somebody gives you a gift, do you throw it down and keep on going? No, you stop and check it out, and you say “Thank You”, or whatever, and treat it nicely. You don't want to scare it away or treat it with disrespect. It's like an animal, it's like a beast or something. You have to be nice...That's why I like to record things right away. So that I get it, before I start thinking. I don't wanna think, I just wanna do it...And then when I start to roll, the first time it comes out it's the right one." (Not sure if this resonates with other artists, but this is exactly how my creative process flows, was very cool to hear - at least for my poetry. Journalism and other forms of writing usually require extensive editing, they don't just "come out" like that.)

"You don't want to judge it [your art], Howard. It's a Gift. You just do it, and later let other people judge It. There's plenty of people to do that, you don't have to go very far and you can find them."

"When you play music you have to come from a certain place when you're doing it, and everything has to be clear, you know. You don't want to disturb that. I mean, I don't. I like to keep the love there. And if the love isn't there, you don't wanna do it."  

“Be great or be gone.”

"It's about the weather, Howard. Some days you got it, some days you don't...it's the Cosmic Weather, you can't always have it, which makes you appreciate it so much when you get it. And that's what life is all about, it's so beautiful the way it keeps changing."

“Find a way to make a living that makes you feel good.”

“Focus on the good things.”

“I'm not a hater. I want to be a lover, I want to love, I want to see what's good.”

“I'm going to do what I can do with the rest of my life...to fight to make the change I wish to see, to turn the Earth around.”

After discussing Neil's interest in Charlie Manson as a musician:

Howard: If you had to spend a day recording with either Charlie Manson or David Crosby, who would you pick?

Neil: That's a great question. I don't know, I'll have to think about that one. (Laughs)

On addiction and drugs: 

"It's a matter of wanting to [quit]. If you try to stop something that you want to do, that's an internal struggle that you really never will win. But if you don't wanna do it because you decide you don't want to do it, then it gets easy...I didn't want to stop because of all the death...I got really tired of waking up that way and not thinking and just hurting myself over and over and I was getting older. It was just a thought process just led me to the conclusion that it was probably not a good idea anymore."

On his book, “Special Deluxe”, Neil's love of cars and the enviornment, and advocacy for alternative energy sources like solar and cellulosic biofuel:

H: This is a book of cars, right? You love cars?

N: Yeah!

H: And yet, you're an environmentalist, and cars pollute the environment, so you're torn, right?

N: Well, that's kinda what the book is about.

H: What are we gonna do about this?

N: We're gonna change it...It's so sad, what's going on. Since 1950, we've lost 90% of the fish in the ocean, and doubled our own population. Since 1970, we've lost half of the wildlife on the planet. So, if you take those same numbers and put them into the future and realize we're actually doing more damage now, and look at our leaders [decisions]...Obama just opened up the Gulf of Mexico to fracking and just gave all the rights away, I don't get the sentience in that...

H: Who's going to change this?

N: It's gonna be people like you and me, Howard...We have to be aware of what's going on, and talk about it, and know that there is a lot that can be done...You don't focus on the negative, you focus on the positive and how much love you still have for this planet and that you can enjoy things and don't get angry about it, but realize that if the USA is the leader of the free world, why is it we're saying we can have maybe 2% solar energy by 2020 and Germany has 50% renewable energy right now, with the same sun and the same crops?

H: Why is that?

N: It's because of the leadership in this country, more than that, it's because of Corporate Control of Democracy, thru things like the Citizens United Act, which we just voted down yet it's still there because the majority wasn't big enough. So in America it's hard to make a change against the corporate powers that are in control of us. They control all of us, everybody that we elect, they're all tainted. Why do we have Hilary Clinton, when she was Secretary of State, going around to Europe to convince the little European countries, “Oh, don't get your oil from Russia. We give you this fracking technology and it's really great and you can frack and get your oil and energy right out of the land.” The thing is, that, this is what's going on – these are our Democrats, okay, these are the people that are supposed to be 'the savior'...and the Democrats are the ones who just opened up the Gulf of Mexico to fracking like the gulf doesn't need a break.

H: Are there a politician or group of politicians that you actually like?

N: None of them are empowered by the system that is here now to do anything other than take money from corporations and be controlled. I don't know of one politician that isn't controlled to some degree by the amount of donations from corporations. That's who paid for the campaigns. All these laws are wrong. They made it legal for corporations to be people. Corporations are not people!...The things that we don't know, I mean we talk about climate change, and we're doing more damage to the earth with all our wars...but if you want to find out, hey, “Freedom”, you can't find out what the carbon footprint is of the military...I don't like war, I think it's all about energy and I think it's gonna end up being about water, because we're using it all up...We outta just start getting smart and use what we have. Renewable energy. There's energy from the sun! Hello! It's right there! If you don't put a hat on it can burn a hole in your head. It's something there, let's use it...And start using our plants, not to take away our food, but cellulosic ethanol and cellulosic biofuels that are actually from the waste of making food, that can be fuel, all this stuff can charge electricity, that can do all kinds of things it can charge batteries, whatever without fossil fuel. I drove my car all the way across from San Francisco to Ft. McMurrey, Alberta, to NYC, without using any gasoline.

Robin: So you had it converted?

N: I rebuilt it, yeah, and I screwed it up and burned it down to the ground, and built it again.

H: So it can be done?

N: It can be done, absolutely. A 6300 pound car, a Lincoln Continental '59, the heaviest damn longest craziest car you ever saw – I drove across the whole country without any gasoline. Remember America, places like Germany are 50% renewable today. It can be done, with leadership. We don't have the leadership we need and it's very disappointing that they're all working for corporations.

“We don't have a choice...as consumers when it comes to fuel...if we had the choice, we could make things happen."

H: How do you know so much about all this?

N: I am studying this because it is really is a matter of life and death for millions and millions of people.

H: You care.

N: (Voice cracks) You're damn right I care. That's all I do. That's all I can do. I'm a famous person, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna relegate myself to People Magazine and some tabloids? That's not me. I wanna do something good and if I can't do something good I'll probably die trying to do something good. I've got nothing else to do. What else could be more rewarding? Nothing.

cover from his self titled studio album released in '68

Thank you so much for reading!

Who are some of your fave Bad Mofo's, and why?

 

*Love & Light*

Renata Carmen

BMFF - Bad Mofo Friday - Louise "Landspeed" Noeth

Starting something new on the blog! :)

Every Friday, I am going to talk about "Bad Mofo's" - people who I find really inspiring. 

Today, I would like to draw attention to an amazing woman I can't believe I've never heard of before. I learned about Louise "Landspeed" Noeth recently while catching up on the Cars Yeah Podcast, where she is described as "a storyteller known for taking complicated subjects and making them entertaining and educational. She founded LandSpeed Productions in 1984 where she provides film and TV consulting, photography, writing, graphic design, and more. Her award-winning works have been published around the world. Dubbed 'LandSpeed Louise', she concentrates on land speed racing and people who do extraordinary feats by designing, building, and driving fast cars, trucks, and motorcycles. She’s one of the few women journalists in the automotive field who’s also comfortable and competent behind the wheel."

A few other traits/accomplishments that make Louise noteworthy:

- She is over 50% deaf, and it was loud exhaust notes that first drew her to cars because of the resonance (I have a soft spot for people with illness or disability, "Chronic Badasses", in case you didn't notice)

- She was first published in Automotive Journalism back in 1980. I started my automotive career in the mid-2000's, and the industry still was/is permeated by the MadMen, "No tits in the pits", bigotry mentality. I can only imagine what the fuck she's overcome during her career!

- She started her photojournalism career as an artist painting pinstripes on cars, then learned to drive, then to wrench, and started writing/taking photos along the way. She is one of the few other female gearheads I've found who not only can fix anything on a car and drive it, but can write and create visual art as well. I have found a female role model doing almost exactly what I want to do! How awesome! Most of my role models are male.
- Louise worked with the Federal Government to help phase out the use of Leaded Gasoline, and implement updated safety regulations for suspension. She also helped the automotive performance and  journalism industries integrate changes created by Federal Emissions Control Implementations in the late 60's/early 70's.

- She helped Team Vesco set the International World Record for the Fastest Wheel Driven Automobile (Over 458 mph! This record still stands, btw. Whose up for the challenge?)
- She has numerous productions and publications under her belt, is working on her second book, has had a monthly column in Goodguys Gazette for over 12 years, and recently became a Chief Judge for the International Automotive Media Competition - an organization striving to set a higher standard in automotive related journalism/media.

- On top of all these amazing contributions, Louise Noeth is a pilot, too!

A quote from her website that really resonates with me and gets me fired up for my own work: 
Unlike most journalists, writers, photographers, artists, and publicists who focus on only one, or perhaps two disciplines, LSL noticed that she could get editors to give her more assignments if she could provide words and pictures — photographed or drawn.

“The hard part was convincing them that I could deliver quality in both areas, because my skills came from ‘on-the-job training’,” she adds, “I’ve never had any formal, academic training, just an overwhelming abundance of enthusiastic curiosity and I’ve discovered that, occasionally, I can whup a hot shot PhD in this news game. I create solutions.”

I love this woman, and am so inspired by her! 

Just some major journalism awards. No big deal ;)

Here is a link to the episode of Cars Yeah I learned about "Landspeed Louise" through, with a few quotes below that stood out to me from the interview. The podcast is only about 30 minutes, perfect for listening to while taking a lunch break, commuting, doing a tune-up, getting your hair did...you get the picture :) Enjoy! 

"I was born that way, with Nomex in my diapers."

"I don't have any training...I essentially took my artistic skills...and used them as a springboard..."

"Don't judge my abilities by your limitations."

"Always look for a place to put that plane down if the engine quits...Don't put your complete trust into someone, because they might let you down, and you may not see something...I became more circumspect. Not that I didn't give 100% when necessary, but I always had a way out."

When speaking of her involvement with Federal Legislation phasing out leaded gas, and suspension safety and emission controls -

"That was big because that effected 100's of thousands of people that I will never meet in a positive way."

"If you wanna play, you gotta pay."

"When you get a test car, wash it yourself...because you'll learn more about the car by washing it, then you will driving it." 

When asked about a personal habit that contributes to her success - 

"It has to be voracity, and details. To never short-shift the reader and the viewer...I can piss off an editor with no problem, but I never want to do that to my readers and my viewers."

"What you do for others, lasts longer, stays stronger, than anything you'll ever do for yourself."

I hope you enjoyed learning about "Landspeed" Louise Noeth! 

What Bad Mofo's get you really inspired? 

*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

Staying Positive While Living With a Chronic Illness - Comedy & Humor

Journal Entry from earlier this morning:

"Rough start so far, but determined to turn things around. Emo and in pain from ovulation. Didn't sleep as long/deeply as needed and am exhausted and ready to go back to bed even though I just got up. Also stiff, sore, nauseous. Woke up sad/angry about my life circumstances - about feeling rejected/misunderstood by both sides of my family, about money, independence, my health and stamina and sun sensitivity, disability. My brain started going down fast. Started crying, feeling overwhelmed, wanted to break down and start destroying furniture and shit. But this energy does nothing positive or constructive for me at all, and I know everything I'm feeling is valid, but I must channel the river of my emotions accordingly so as not to get swept away in a path of irreversible destruction. 

This day is mine, I claim it, to do with it as I please. I will focus on my blessings, all that I do have, and I will work my ass off to the best of my ability to get as much done as I can, and whatever my best is today, that's okay. It's okay to feel what I feel. It's not okay to wallow, to waste this precious gift of a day by crying and feeling sorry for myself, by focusing on what I lack. This days is mine, I claim and own it, here and now. I can make it into whatever I want it to be, whatever I choose to focus on. 

And I choose love and light and magick and art and creativity and laughter and adventure and service. 

This I choose. And so it shall be. 

Praise Jah!"

Living with Fibromyalgia means that I wake up pretty much every day already struggling before I even get out of bed. With either physical pain and other symptoms like nausea, vertigo, and arthritis, or mental/emotional pain due to chronic illness and disability, like anxiety and depression. Waking up feeling awful makes not only turning your day (and anyone's who happens to wake up next to you) around incredibly difficult, being overwhelmed by emotion can sap one of energy and deplete your immune system, which is already quite taxed for us "spoonies" of the world.

So, how do I turn shitty mornings, or anytime of day, around into something positive and productive, despite the fact that I live with a debilitating, life altering and life long illness?
In my previous post in this series, I discussed the benefits I receive from daily studies of psychology and philosophy. Today I'll be discussing the next cornerstones in my drug-free symptom management tool kit - Comedy and Humor. As I was writing the previously quoted journal entry earlier today, I put my favorite comedy bits on and you can see how it helped turn my mood from dark, stormy, destruction into one of determination and positive focus.

Simply Google "the benefits of laughter" and countless medical resources come up with articles detailing how laughter, like creativity, aids blood pressure and vascular flow, reduces stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, helps the pituitary gland produce endogenous opiates thus naturally reducing pain, increase memory and learning, bond partners/groups and the two halves of the brain, and workout the diaphragm, abdominal, respiratory, leg, and back muscles. Working out while laughing? What a fun extra side effect! I'll take all the extra exercise I can, since my stamina is still pretty low and I'm not able to be as active as I'd like. And as for the strengthening bonds thing, I can tell you firsthand that humor is one of the biggest saviors of my long-term relationship, which started shortly before the onset of my illness and has seen some serious tests over the 4 plus years we've been together now.

Check out this quote from Dr. William Fry of Stanford University on http://www.care2.com:

"Humor and creativity work in similar ways – by creating relationships between two disconnected items, you engage the whole brain. Humor works quickly. Less than a half-second after exposure to something funny, and electrical wave moves through the higher brain functions of the cerebral cortex. The left hemisphere analyzes the words and structures of the joke; the right hemisphere “gets” the joke; the visual sensory area of the occipital lobe creates images; the limbic (emotional) system makes you happier; and the motor sections make you smile or laugh.

So let’s laugh."

Word, homie! Let's laugh indeed, even in the face of seemingly overwhelming circumstances. 
One of my favorite ways to get my daily dose of comedy is through podcasts. Podcasts have become one of my favorite media sources because they are usually free, instantly accessible, and have very little advertising - which not only means less commercials to skip through, but more freedom to the podcasters to express themselves without censoring their beliefs or language.

Some of my favorite podcasts for comedy are: The Joe Rogan Experience (he also has very interesting guests on there, so you learn while you laugh), Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast, and The Duncan Trussell Family Hour (he also has interesting guests in addition to being very funny, and a few years ago overcame cancer in one of his balls and the loss of his mother - whom he had on as a guest not longer before she passed and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed).

Here's some of my favorite comedy bits (all of which I've watched this morning). 
Hope you enjoy them as much as I do! 

I love this bit and have watched it probably dozens of times. This is my go-to when I feel especially down and have no interest in anything goofy or silly. But it perks me up everytime! 


The Stages of Grief by Robot Chicken. I find it to be a perfect metaphor for chronic illness/disability especially. Fucking hilarious!


Maybe you have to be sorta fucked up or have crazy family to truly appreciate "Billiam", but I love this man. He is probably one of my favorite comedians. 


Haha yes, at 30 years old, this is my life right now!


Fucked up thoughts, we all have 'em. Bill's just happens to be really funny. Maybe partly why I love this man so much is he makes me feel sane ;) 


One last Bill Burr bit. For recovering Christians like myself. I laughed so hard the first time I saw this one I teared up :)

More Robot Chicken, some of their Star Wars Parodies (some of my faves, go Seth Green!)

I could list dozens more of my favorite comedy bits, but I think I've given you enough to mull over here for now. 

What are some of your favorite ways to laugh, or do you have any favorite comedians or podcasts?

Thanks for reading!
*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

"The Cosmic Dance" - Poetry

Well good morning, beautiful piece of poetry I don't remember writing last night :)
I'm diggin' the word play and theme of this one. Enjoy! 

feeling sick
but unbroken
these words are spoken
by a warrior with Yaqui provokin'
the fight in my veins
yeah
you thought you killed us all off
well, guess again
we're too damned stubborn and strong
to ever be kept down for long
you see
we've still got the Earth Mother connection
Father Sky looking down, sending us lessons
so easily missed by those all amiss
lost and confused, like you're in a deep mist
but with my Yoeme eyes I can see
the inner workings and harmonies
of this world, this universe, how ever many may be
my culture claims Five
but could be indefinitely
ongoing, ever flowing
outward and in
like a fractal
eternal, infinite
look deep within
and you'll find you're part of it too
the entire universe is also in you
and out at the same time
reality is a mindfuck
but it's fine, more than fine
it's amazing, divine
join in the Cosmic Dance
don't worry about keeping time, or score
just enjoy the present score of music
the Great Party
the dancer's decor
a feast for the senses
but only if your tenses
are focused on the present moment
with no pretenses
own it, be relentless
in your pursuit of happiness and contentment
many naysayers will say it can't be done
but only of their own resentments, my son
so chase down your folly
life's too short otherwise
may you be ever jolly no matter the size
of any battles you might wager this day
remember, you're strong as Yoeme
or whatever Ancestor blood runs through your veins
pay tribute to them by being strong despite the pain
know to experience, to be alive, is to truly be blessed
even when you're stressing or not feeling your best
if life's a play, then let me play my role well
seems my Persona's deemed to guide others up out of Hell
oh well, so be it
I can't think of anyone better
considering my wings have been scorched
but I still have my feathers
I've weathered many storms
Please, give me strength for the next
until this role is no longer needed
then at last I shall rest
when the Persona exits Stage Left
and I move on to whatever Cosmic Play is next...

Sometimes the words come out kinda crazy like

Thanks for reading!
*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

"The Cleansing Fire" - A Poem

I will be picking back up with my "Staying Positive While Living with Chronic Illness" series shortly. Of which I've needed to heed my own advice over the last week, as it has been fraught with some personal challenges. So, here's a quick poem I wrote about it :)

hide away

hide away

from this haze 

of sadness and pain

that claims
this body, this house 

hasn't been a home

too much insanity condoned 

for even a mouse

to feel comfortable staying here

in this house

this home

got to get the fuck out 

before they own

our souls, thoughts, habits

gotta get the fuck out

see opportunity, grab it

like a life preserver

and never let go

keep pushing further

until we're so far from this house

this broken home

that it's nothing but a feeble memory

lost and alone

like I feel now in this room

while insanity persues

those just outside the door

let us escape this sickness 

and be free from it evermore

evermore I love you 

my love

I know the two of us can rise above

this muck and mire

the cleansing fire

is so painful it's exquisite

but if it makes us stronger

than it's worth it

isn't it?

"You insist that the weight of the world should be on your shoulders..."

Thank you for reading! Stay strong in whatever battles you're facing at the moment :)

*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

"Warrior Cry" - Strength in Poetry

Been facing some personal challenges over the last week, from both flares in my Fibromyalgia and family issues. I try to maintain an ever positive outlook on life no matter what obstacles I'm facing, but often I find I must push through the darkness to find the light in these difficult situations. I must allow myself time to feel what I need to feel, to process my grief and other feelings. With release comes healing, and then the strength to move on. This morning was particularly challenging, and so I put on my headphones, blasted 10,000 Days by Tool at high volume, and this poem came out. It made me feel strong again. My hope in sharing it is that maybe it could help someone else. 

I'm facing the abyss 

once again

I thought I'd left you for good

old friend

Things are amiss 

when they should be golden

Trying to be strong 

without folding 

But I fear

this time I may actually break 

I may have been given 

more than I can take

But I must make 

myself be strong

If not for my own sake

then for you and all else along

with me on this wild journey

This is a burden only I can carry

For I'm a survivor

With each battle I get mightier

You want me?

You'll not take me without a fight

In my veins flows the might 

of my ancestors like

the Yoeme and Thor's Angels 

Fear only destroys and mangles 

twists reality into distorted angles

I shake my fist at the sky

screaming, "I defy!" 

Do I make myself clear?

My flesh and bones may not be here much longer

but my spirit grows ever stronger

Do you hear me?

Gods, Deities 

Earth, Fire, and Water

I serve thee willingly

just please make me stronger

Like the warrior braves from my past

Who fought boldly to the very last

Even when all sight of hope was lost

Left stranded and double crossed

Let me honor their memory 

By standing tall and proud

Screaming war cries as loud

as my straining lungs will allow

I'll not cower in this corner any longer

I call now on all I am as Earth's Daughter

Ancestors, Sky, Fire, and Water

To keep the fight in me

make this warrior stronger

Til my time to rest comes

and I'm needed no longer

Stay strong my fellow warriors and Chronic Badasses :)

*Love & Light*

Renata Carmen 

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

Accepting a "New Normal" - My Struggle with Reintegration

Old Zen Saying: 

“Before enlightenment, carry water, chop wood. After enlightenment, carry water, chop wood.”

“Where the hell have you been, Renata?”

It’s been several months since I’ve updated this blog, or been a regular on Facebook, or responded to emails in a timely manner. A lot of people in my life have been wondering what happened to me, and I’ve been stuck in my own little world, struggling to reconnect and carry on with my life.

In fact, ever since I was officially diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in February, I’ve found I’ve had to force myself to interact with others. Every aspect of my life, especially my social and personal life, has been flipped completely upside-down, especially when I first started getting sick.  I was so taken by surprise and overwhelmed and heartbroken by the deterioration in my health, it was all I could do to keep up with each day. I was riddled with grief, bitterness, anger, and despair over the perceived betrayal of my body and mind as my condition continued to get worse, despite my best efforts and countless labs and tests to try and figure things out. But at least then I was still trying to reach out to others. When my illness became so bad I was completely homebound, I found myself consumed with depression, and felt hideous stabs of heart-wrenching envy towards others in better health. Like a poison it seeped into every pore and warped my perception of reality. Suddenly my Facebook feed was filled with negative comments, petty complaints, and self-absorbed pictures. Conversations with most people seemed to revolve around things that no longer matter to me, like what commercials were funny last night, what the major headlines were, or who won American Idol. It grossed me out, shocked and confused me, had become something I could no longer identify with.

In short, I felt as though I had been completely removed from society. Like a homeless person pressed up against a restaurant window, drooling over all the marvelous dishes being served inside, imagining what it tastes like, smells like, feels like, to be one of those lucky diners on the other side of the glass. Hungering for the shared experience but having no idea how to become integrated, and despairing over the loss. Despairing because you feel like you will never, ever get to be apart of the greater whole ever again.

Not my art, but yeah this is a good visual of my struggle

After three long years of desperately seeking some sort of official diagnoses and finally getting it earlier this year, you’d think that would make it easier to reintegrate. To pick up the pieces of my life and fit them back together. Or at least I thought that’s what would happen. Instead, I find myself still desperately struggling to become apart of the fabric of society again. Not only to help others in any way I can, especially those who suffer from chronic illness or pain, a calling I feel deep in my soul and cannot ignore, but for my own sanity as well. Human beings are social creatures, we need intimacy and interaction to be healthy, whole people. I used to be an incredibly social person, always keeping up on the affairs of those I care about, organizing and attending events of all kinds, but that has all changed over the last couple years. Mostly it has to do with my chronic fatigue, compromised mental capacities, and UV sensitivity. I just don’t have the energy to do what I used to, and my “brain fog” affects my memory and communication skills, which makes me self-conscious in ways I never was before 2011. And the light sensitivity is just downright fucking inconvenient and odd. I always get the “This bitch is crazy!” look from others when it’s brought up in conversation or they notice me shunning sunshine and fluorescent lights like some kind of non-sparkly vampire. (Just to be clear, my favorite vampires remain those conjured by Anne Rice, which do not sparkle under any circumstances.)

But I find what inhibits my socialization and activity the most is my perspective, more so than the physical or mental limitations I’ve become so self-conscious of. Thankfully, the bitterness, anger, and resentment have mostly faded away. I still catch myself mourning all the losses I’ve experienced: relocating from the friends, music, and culture of Boulder, Colorado, to this sleepy Southern Vermont village more than 3 hours from any major city; having to leave my blossoming career with Whole Foods (the greatest company I ever worked for and one I could have actually pictured staying with for more than a couple years before getting burnt out and bored) because I can no longer physically or mentally keep up, and not being able to work in general; managing all the scary and bizarre symptoms associated with Fibromyalgia...but I suppose that is why grief is called a “process”...We never fully get over these deep losses, but the pain gets a little better every day. Eastern Philosophy and altered states of consciousness sure help to speed up these travails!

Alan Watts, one of the greatest men you've never heard of and a major part of my Sanity Regiment

What hasn’t changed and makes my reintegration so damned difficult is this feeling of being an “outsider”. I’ve undergone, and am still undergoing, a massive change as a person. I feel like a caterpillar that is becoming a butterfly. I’m being “tempered” by my struggles, by my near-death experiences, by my assumptions and beliefs being completely flipped on me. I, like the majority of people it seems, took certain things for granted, things that seemed like “givens” in life, things that were uncompromisable, unshakable, like the Law of Gravity. Things like being physically and mentally able to work or do chores, having the stamina to go about your day without needing to rest after 4 to 5 hours of activity, being able to stand in sunlight or under fluorescents. But I’ve come to realize that these are not experiences to be taken for granted. Every nerve that tingles, every pore that breathes, every sensation experienced, every moment you have in this body on this planet at this time, is a massive blessing and not to be taken lightly.

Yet it’s so easy to forget, isn’t it? As we go about our days, absorbed in the stress of the “Real World”, of our commutes and families and bills and Reality TV and Fantasy Football and politics and major headlines, we completely forget who we are, and all that we have. Until something is taken away, goes amiss, breaks down, we tend to not notice it’s even there. Like toilets. You take yours for granted, until it stops working and you have to wait for the plumber to come out and fix it. 

But what happens if the plumber doesn’t know what’s wrong with the toilet? And you see a bunch of different kinds of plumbers who do all kinds of tests and they still can’t figure it out? I guess plumbing isn’t as big a deal as the body, if your pipes or toilet are that messed up you can pull it all out and start over. It’s messy and expensive and a huge PITA, but it’s not like when there’s something wrong with your body and the doctors can’t figure it out. You can’t scrap your body and start over fresh with a new one when something goes terribly wrong. I used to believe that doctors knew everything about the body and how to fix it. But after the last couple years of bouncing from specialist to surgeon, lab to lab, shitting and pissing in cups and drawing more blood than a transfusion patient, I’ve learned that’s not the case at all. There’s a lot we don’t know about the body or why it goes wrong or how to fix it, more than most medical professionals will admit. Especially when it comes to the Central Nervous and Immune Systems going haywire. They seem to understand that about as well as Homer Simpson understands Quantum Mechanics. 

Come to think of it, this is how most medical professionals treat me when I'm telling them my full medical history

And that will shake up your little world, too. I thought I could trust the professionals, but their methods of treatment for diseases like Fibro are about as advanced as using leeches or cutting to drain the demons out of your blood when you’re sick with the flu. 

   What can you trust in this world when The Unshakables you’ve built your foundation upon fall apart? Like the functionings of your body or mind? How does one find stability in a seemingly chaotic and cold universe? How do you make the most out of a bad hand dealt to you by the luck of the draw? How can you go back to living life like you did before? Be the person you were when your friends met you? Will they still like me, accept me, now that I’m so different from who I was? How in the hell do I even have conversations now? Why is it so fucking hard for me to come out of this hermetic place, to come down from this lonely mountain top and be amongst the masses again? Is it because I see from up here we are all playing roles in this life, wearing masks, masks we call personas, but most of us have forgotten we’re playing a game and take it far too seriously for my liking? So seriously, in fact, that we kill and rape and pillage and gossip and war over it?

You shouldn’t have to go through hell like I have to understand this, but it seems that is the only way to see The Human Game with clarity. It seems this is why older, “more primitive” societies have Shamans, Witch Doctors, Monks, Hermits, Zen Masters. They help society stay balanced by providing an outside perspective. Maybe this is what I’m supposed to do. People ask me why I don’t watch or read mainstream news, radio, or television. It’s the same reason I’ve had a hard time getting back on Facebook. Our input drives our creativity, shapes our reality, molds what we believe is possible. There is such a huge amount of negativity on social and mainstream media I find it dizzying. If I allowed the inputs of mainstream society to shape my decisions, habits, and beliefs, I’d be taking pills to “manage” my illness, still be eating like shit, and bitching about my health/life in the progress. I wouldn’t be doing anything proactive about it. I never would have developed the gall to self-experiment with herbs, neurotransmitters, diet, and lifestyle, seeking my own solutions and listening to my own body rather than relying on the dogma of others. 

Has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm talking about, I just love the movie Dogma and Buddy Christ

Because we’re told over and over again, through magazines, newspapers, television, radio, and advertising, that we’re not good enough. That we’re incapable of empowerment or creativity or self-sufficiency. That you need a middle-man to help you manage your health, your money, your consciousness, your spirituality, your life. And that your persona is not a game, but very much real and to be taken deadly serious. Because otherwise you aren’t producing and consuming and that makes you a bad citizen in a Consumerist Based Society. 

Well, if my role is to be the Outsider Looking In, then maybe I should embrace it and be the best damn Hermit I can be. But I can only be useful if I come down off this summit and reintegrate. What’s the point of this journey, of my personal struggles and accomplishments, if I’m not giving anything back, if I’m the only one aware of them? Maybe my experiences could help ease the suffering of others, which I feel a strong urge, almost compulsion, to do in any way I can. No one should ever suffer needlessly, should ever have to walk this road alone, be denied the many options available to them for healing strictly because of outdated taboos and propaganda. 

And maybe I can use this as my “Why Power” (mad props to Darren Hardy!!) to overcome my withdrawal from society. Understanding Human Folly shouldn’t cause me to condemn or repel from it. 

It’s just part of The Game that we all play, whether we’re aware of it or not. Being aware of it doesn’t make anyone better or separate from others, it just enables one to play and learn more efficiently. To see life for the drama, the great dance that it is, and to enjoy the act of dancing rather than losing out on the present moment by obsessing over a destination, worrying over what tomorrow will bring, focusing on what we don’t have instead of realizing the vast abundance that constantly surrounds us, if only we would open ourselves up to it and embrace it. Not to pull away and close ourselves off from the immense beauty and magic happening. Happening Right Now. At This Very Moment. And this one. And this one too.

Let’s get off our apathetic asses and go experience as much as we can handle, relishing the Present Moment in all its glory, with an attitude of gratitude. Even if all I can do today is the most bare-bones of basics, if I can only handle being out of bed for short periods of time because I’m so fucking wiped out from fatigue and malaise and stomach issues that have me running to the toilet every couple minutes, I can still revel in the fact that I’m alive, that I have my perspective to contribute, that I can see and hear and feel and talk and think and dream. 

That I am one unique expression of the energy that comprises this glorious and mysterious Universe, and that is more than enough, and I am content.

And you are too!  We can all learn from each other, from the different perspectives we hold, if only we can develop the courage and strength to reach out to others, to share our vulnerabilities rather than hide from them. To come down from this damned lonely mountain top. The first step is always the hardest... Baby steps. I’ll start making small changes today to get me back on course.

‘Cuz holy shit, am I “ronery”! I miss you, world.

Is your glass half empty, or half full? What will you do to seize this day?  

*Love & Light* 

Renata “The Chronic Badass” Carmen

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

A Quick Note Concerning Relationships and Chronic Illness - How Changing Your Mindset Can Change Your World

I have been deep in the grip of a flare-up in inflammation, which has put my Health Tips for the Holidays Series on hold. I will be getting back into that shortly.

In the meantime, I wanted to post something to keep this blog alive and kicking, but I'm in a ton of pain and have the worst brain fog and fatigue so it makes writing very difficult.

Thus, this will be short, and probably full of silly technical errors. Please forgive any that do appear.

In the going on 3 years now that I have been chronically ill, I have done a ton of research related to the matter. Some of my favorite sources are forums, where one can read the experiences of other patients.
Not only do these stories provide unique and invaluable medical insights, and help me maneuver the complex health system more efficiently, they also validate my feelings. To know one is not alone when you feel desperately so is like giving water to someone wasting away in the desert. It could save a life.

That is probably the most tragic common theme amongst the chronically ill. The tendency for loneliness is powerful beyond description. Over the last few years, I have felt so lonely and scared I was afraid I would go mad with grief and despair. That is why I got my cat, who turned out to be badass because she is a Norwegian Forest Cat - which means she is smart and can climb down trees frontwards and likes water (and all kinds of other fun facts I won't bore you with now)! I strongly suggest a companion animal if you are homebound and/or disabled, especially one that is smart and will get tuned into your moods and needs. Freya kitty knows when I'm not feeling well and gives me snuggles when I need it, she also knows when I'm sleeping too much and will harass me til I get out of bed and play with her.

My gloriously fluffy Forest Cat (Skogkatt) and Companion "Freya"

Anywhoos, enough babbling about my super awesome kitty friend.

Back to the serious stuff.

Its damn near impossible to understand someone who is sick unless you have been there yourself.

My research has shown that those suffering from the onset of "invisible diseases" like Lupus, MS, RA, Fibromyalgia, and other immune mediated illness, are grossly misunderstood. The odds are stacked against us; we have a 50% chance of having a doctor give up on us (I've had a few), an equally high chance of being misdiagnosed with a mental illness (I've had a doctor try to shove Zoloft down my throat, even after a Psychologist announced my symptoms were not psychosomatic), and we have a 75% chance of losing our partner/spouse in the time it will take to get diagnosed, which is an average of 7-10 long years.

These statistics blew my mind when I first came across them last year (Or maybe it was the year before? And of course I can't find my source now. Dang brain fog! I'll find it again and post it when I do).
But I can attest to the challenges that the onset of a debilitating illness can create in your personal life, especially with the one you love.

My boyfriend and I had just moved in together a few months before I started getting really sick. Within 6 months I was on an extended medical leave of absence from my blossoming career, which I wound up having to walk away from just a few months after that. As money and health problems continued to build up, we found ourselves being overwhelmed by the situation. Its like being caught in a rip tide and no matter what you do to get out you keep getting sucked back in. We were starting to argue. I was so stressed out about my deteriorating health I couldn't focus on anything else, any of the "real world" stuff. This left my boyfriend to carry the burden of acting as head of household, my caregiver, and my boyfriend. The stress started to create cracks and rifts in our relationship, and we were headed for destruction. We would have crashed and burned had we stayed that course.

But instead of becoming just another statistic, we were able to make our situation better.

To an outside observer, it would appear that nothing's changed.
We are still broke. I'm still sick. I'm still sensitive to all forms of UV light. I'm still unable to work. We still have a host of challenges to overcome.

So how have we come so far together, and learned to smile despite the pain?

When you find yourself in a situation you're unable to change, "don't wish it were easier, wish you were better." We delved into personal development and psychology and all kinds of studies. I will list specific titles and so forth that we have found especially helpful in a future post.

Change your mindset and you can change your universe.

Learn to be truly grateful and you will realize you already have everything you need.

During times of great struggle, love should bring you together, not push you apart.

Keep laughing, always!

I could keep spitting similar anecdotes, but I will finish this with a music video I recently saw for the first time. It does an absolute perfect job of illustrating what I'm trying to say, and after watching it I knew I wanted to include it in a post. The couple makes me think of my boyfriend and I; their situation is a beautiful metaphor for how changing our perspective has changed our world. Its so good, it makes me cry my eyes out.

I hope it touches you also.



What are some of your favorite methods for overcoming challenging situations?

*Love & Light*
-Renata Carmen

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

I Am a Great Light - A Poem

This heat wave has had me in a pretty bad Flare, so I haven't gotten as much writing done as I've wanted, but I'm excited to have a brand new piece of poetry to post. It's been a while since I've written any poetry. Hope you enjoy!

i am a great light
i will rise to this fight
i’ll never back down
so long as i have my mouth
i’ll bite
on the jugular of entropy
til it turns red, then white
(naysayers are no friend to me)
i am more
than these walls
and long paced halls
greater than the sum
of my weaknesses & flaws
i’ll rise above my own desolation
& find inspiration
thru the cultivation
of a much needed cause
because
i am stronger than my disease
weakened hands, hips, knees
skin & hair rebelling, organs melting
a mind that’s failing
even if i say “please”
begging all the deities
for mercy
do you think they heard me?
the trees whisper prayers
like a clergy
they urge me
onward, remind me i’m not alone
in Mother Nature i always have a home
i ask the Muse for guidance
& realize the eyes i’m looking into are my own
i alone possess all tools needed for this quest
i should have known, shoulda guessed
for i am a great light
i’m stronger than my disease
infinite as deep space
and stronger than the seas
tho it may be darkest night
dawn always proceeds
just hang on a little longer
you are stronger
than your weaknesses & desperate pleas
Child of the Universe, Infinite, Divine
breathe in and know that everything will be fine

*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)