Fresh out the current "Black Book" - which actually has a pink/gold plaid pattern on the cover hehe - I present this piece to you, just written yesterday :)
Hope you enjoy!
“Insatiable”
Your
words still burn
like
poison in my ears
How
do I rid myself
of
your ill intent?
Hell
bent on destruction
Misery
loves broken down company
Fuck
'em
Fuck
you
and
all the rest
of
the Haters
trying
to put me down at my best
You
are like fire
I
won't get too near you again
out
of concern you'll burn
Consume
a
hunger that never ends
You
don't see
so
long as you only
Take,
and never Give
You
will remain Insatiable
for
as long as you live...
R.C.H.
Thanks so much for reading!!! Poetry and free writing are such great ways for me to process some of the heavier things in life and get stuff off my chest :) Don't let the Haters get you down. Keep on keepin' on with yo' bad self <3 <3 <3 *Love & Light* Renata Carmen
This post I would like to highlight a personal hero of mine - Neil Young! <3
I've been listening to this dude since the womb (literally) and got to see him perform for the first time recently in Essex for the launch of his Monsanto Yearstour. It was a life changing experience that still brings tears to my eyes when I recall it, but I'll be writing more in detail about that concert later, along with Mr. Young's current fight to aid Vermont as it undergoes a major lawsuit from the shady, scary powerful big corporate alliance known as the "Grocery Manufacturer's Association" - Mansanto and Starbucks being the primary companies within this group currently under his attack.
First, I want to focus on Neil Young as a person - what makes him tick; who/what made him the powerful, loving soul that he his today; how his creative process works. Right before going to see him play up by Lake Champlain, I heard an enlightening interview he did with Howard Stern at the end of 2014. I learned a lot about Neil that I never knew before.
And now I love him as not just a musician, but a human being and role model too.
He is, indeed, and Bad Mofo!
random pic from the internet - Neil Young - Chronic Badass and all around Bad Mofo
They talked everything - from Mr. Young's survival of and recovery from childhood onset polio; the trauma of his father abusing his mother and then abandoning the family around the time Neil was 12; flunking out of high school; his influences and struggles as a budding artist; various bands he has played in, and musicians he's rolled with; what it was like to live with Rick James, be recorded by Smokey Robinson, and hang out with Charlie Manson; his personal values and philosophy and how those tie into his work, a description of his creative process that I think any creative type would find beneficial, even a fun little tip on how to manage paranoia induced by cannabis/altered states! One that this 17 year long consciousness explorer had never heard before. ("Chew on a few black peppercorns.")
I was very inspired by Neil Young's insatiably positive attitude and perceptions about life, the world around him, and his role in it. He is prolific as an artist, and incredibly passionate about the causes he cares about - causes which resonate greatly with me and I think many young people today. The man has seen, overcome, and continues to manage a lot of shit (one of his children has Cerebral Palsy), and has somehow come out of it without harboring any bitterness or resentment. He has a huge "heart of gold" and I feel like he is a great role model for anyone, especially those who may be going through a hard time or facing some sort of challenge (where's my Spoonies at? Much love to ya'all!).
Here is a link to that interview (just audio). Below are my fave quotes.
Hope you find Neil Young's story and philosophy to be as inspiring as I have!
Should you want to learn more about him, Neil has co-written several books, the latest of which came out around the time of this interview, called "Special Deluxe" - a book about his love of cars, and pursuit of alternative energy sources for them (he's a gearhead too! I just love this man!).
"I'm working for
the Music, that's my job in my head. I've always felt that was
something that was given to me, and I have to give back to It."
"Everybody's family has something in
it...These things happen to everybody...Not that particular thing [physical abuse] happens to everybody, thank God, cuz that's not what should happen,
and the less of that we have the better off everything is, but,
still, things happen, and everybody has the things they
remember in their childhood that they wish they hadn't
seen...something, there's something not perfect about everyone's
childhood, you know."
"Music turned me into myself. I just
love being able to disappear into the music."
"[Creativity/Art] It's an accident, it's a
gift, and I never question it. I always, whatever I'm doing, if I
have an idea I'll stop what I'm doing and do that...The idea is, Do It. You never know when, if you don't do it when it comes, it's a Gift. If somebody gives you a gift, do you throw it down and keep on
going? No, you stop and check it out, and you say “Thank You”, or
whatever, and treat it nicely. You don't want to scare it away or
treat it with disrespect. It's like an animal, it's like a beast or
something. You have to be nice...That's why I like to record things right
away. So that I get it, before I start thinking. I don't wanna think,
I just wanna do it...And then when I start to roll, the first time it
comes out it's the right one." (Not sure if this resonates with other artists, but this is exactly how my creative process flows, was very cool to hear - at least for my poetry. Journalism and other forms of writing usually require extensive editing, they don't just "come out" like that.)
"You don't want to judge it [your art], Howard. It's a Gift. You just do it, and
later let other people judge It. There's plenty of people to do that,
you don't have to go very far and you can find them."
"When you play music you have to come from a certain place
when you're doing it, and everything has to be clear, you know. You
don't want to disturb that. I mean, I don't. I like to keep the love
there. And if the love isn't there, you don't wanna do it."
“Be great or be gone.”
"It's about the weather, Howard. Some days you got it, some days you don't...it's the Cosmic Weather, you can't always have it, which makes you appreciate it so much when you get it. And that's what life is all about, it's so beautiful the way it keeps changing."
“Find a way to make a living that makes you feel good.”
“Focus on the good things.”
“I'm not a hater. I want to be a lover, I want to love, I want to see what's good.”
“I'm going to do what I can do with the rest of my life...to fight to make the change I wish to see, to turn the Earth around.”
After discussing Neil's interest in Charlie Manson as a musician:
Howard: If you had to spend a day recording
with either Charlie Manson or David Crosby, who would you pick?
Neil: That's a great question. I don't
know, I'll have to think about that one. (Laughs)
On addiction and drugs:
"It's a matter of wanting to [quit].
If you try to stop something that you want to do, that's an internal
struggle that you really never will win. But if you don't wanna do it
because you decide you don't want to do it, then it gets easy...I
didn't want to stop because of all the death...I got really tired of
waking up that way and not thinking and just hurting myself over and
over and I was getting older. It was just a thought process just led
me to the conclusion that it was probably not a good idea anymore."
On his book, “Special Deluxe”, Neil's love of cars and the enviornment, and advocacy for alternative energy sources like solar and cellulosic biofuel:
H: This is a book of cars, right? You
love cars?
N: Yeah!
H: And yet, you're an environmentalist,
and cars pollute the environment, so you're torn, right?
N: Well, that's kinda what the book is
about.
H: What are we gonna do about this?
N: We're gonna change it...It's so
sad, what's going on. Since 1950, we've lost 90% of the fish in the
ocean, and doubled our own population. Since 1970, we've lost half of
the wildlife on the planet. So, if you take those same numbers and
put them into the future and realize we're actually doing more damage
now, and look at our leaders [decisions]...Obama just opened up the
Gulf of Mexico to fracking and just gave all the rights away, I don't
get the sentience in that...
H: Who's going to change this?
N: It's gonna be people like you and
me, Howard...We have to be aware of what's going on, and talk about
it, and know that there is a lot that can be done...You don't focus
on the negative, you focus on the positive and how much love you
still have for this planet and that you can enjoy things and don't
get angry about it, but realize that if the USA is the leader of the
free world, why is it we're saying we can have maybe 2% solar
energy by 2020 and Germany has 50% renewable energy right now,
with the same sun and the same
crops?
H: Why is that?
N: It's because of
the leadership in this country, more than that, it's because of
Corporate Control of Democracy, thru things like the Citizens United
Act, which we just voted down yet it's still there because the
majority wasn't big enough. So in America it's hard to make a change
against the corporate powers that are in control of us. They control
all of us, everybody that we elect, they're all tainted. Why do we
have Hilary Clinton, when she was Secretary of State, going around to
Europe to convince the little European countries, “Oh, don't get
your oil from Russia. We give you this fracking technology and it's
really great and you can frack and get your oil and energy right out
of the land.” The thing is, that, this is what's going on – these
are our Democrats, okay, these are the people that are supposed to be
'the savior'...and the Democrats are the ones who just opened up the
Gulf of Mexico to fracking like the gulf doesn't need a break.
H: Are there a
politician or group of politicians that you actually like?
N:
None of them are empowered by the system that is here now to do
anything other than take money from corporations and be controlled. I
don't know of one politician that isn't controlled to some degree by
the amount of donations from corporations. That's who paid for the
campaigns. All these laws are wrong. They made it legal for
corporations to be people.
Corporations are not
people!...The things that we don't know, I mean we talk about climate
change, and we're doing more damage to the earth with all our
wars...but if you want to find out, hey, “Freedom”, you can't
find out what the carbon footprint is of the military...I don't like
war, I think it's all about energy and I think it's gonna end up
being about water, because we're using it all up...We outta just
start getting smart and use what we have. Renewable energy. There's
energy from the sun! Hello! It's right there! If you don't put a hat
on it can burn a hole in your head. It's something there, let's use
it...And start using our plants, not to take away our food, but
cellulosic ethanol and cellulosic biofuels that are actually from the
waste of making food,
that can be fuel, all this stuff can charge electricity, that can do
all kinds of things it can charge batteries, whatever without fossil
fuel. I drove my car all the way across from San Francisco to Ft.
McMurrey, Alberta, to NYC, without using any gasoline.
Robin: So you had it
converted?
N: I rebuilt it,
yeah, and I screwed it up and burned it down to the ground, and built
it again.
H: So it can be
done?
N: It
can be done, absolutely. A 6300 pound car, a Lincoln Continental '59,
the heaviest damn longest craziest car you ever saw – I drove
across the whole country without any gasoline. Remember America,
places like Germany are 50% renewable today.
It can be done, with leadership. We don't have the leadership we need
and it's very disappointing that they're all working for
corporations.
“We don't have a
choice...as consumers when it comes to fuel...if we had the choice, we could make
things happen."
H: How do you know
so much about all this?
N: I am studying
this because it is really is a matter of life and death for millions
and millions of people.
H: You care.
N: (Voice cracks) You're damn
right I care. That's all I do. That's all I can do. I'm a famous
person, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna relegate myself to People
Magazine and some tabloids? That's not me. I wanna do something good
and if I can't do something good I'll probably die trying to do
something good. I've got nothing else to do. What else could be more
rewarding? Nothing.
cover from his self titled studio album released in '68
A fun one I started a while back and finally finished today.
I guess you could say I'm in the mood because I'm well enough to go downstairs tomorrow and start restoring the Celica Supra again ;) Yay!
Enjoy the Gearhead Poetry!
Oh,
you rev my engine
wear
out my starter
when
I can't take any more
you
drive me harder
thru
terrains I never knew
you
got my alignment all askew
runnin'
till we see red and blue lights
only
you know how to move me just right
baby
let's
hit the canyons tonight
Thanks for reading!
*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen
"Kaizen" aka "Kiki", our gorgeous 1982 Toyota Celica Supra P-Type 5 Speed <3
I will be picking back up with my "Staying Positive While Living with Chronic Illness" series shortly. Of which I've needed to heed my own advice over the last week, as it has been fraught with some personal challenges. So, here's a quick poem I wrote about it :)
hide away
hide away
from this haze
of sadness and pain
that claims
this body, this house
hasn't been a home
too much insanity condoned
for even a mouse
to feel comfortable staying here
in this house
this home
got to get the fuck out
before they own
our souls, thoughts, habits
gotta get the fuck out
see opportunity, grab it
like a life preserver
and never let go
keep pushing further
until we're so far from this house
this broken home
that it's nothing but a feeble memory
lost and alone
like I feel now in this room
while insanity persues
those just outside the door
let us escape this sickness
and be free from it evermore
evermore I love you
my love
I know the two of us can rise above
this muck and mire
the cleansing fire
is so painful it's exquisite
but if it makes us stronger
than it's worth it
isn't it?
"You insist that the weight of the world should be on your shoulders..." Thank you for reading! Stay strong in whatever battles you're facing at the moment :) *Love & Light* Renata Carmen Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
I have been deep in the grip of a flare-up in inflammation, which has put my Health Tips for the Holidays Series on hold. I will be getting back into that shortly.
In the meantime, I wanted to post something to keep this blog alive and kicking, but I'm in a ton of pain and have the worst brain fog and fatigue so it makes writing very difficult.
Thus, this will be short, and probably full of silly technical errors. Please forgive any that do appear.
In the going on 3 years now that I have been chronically ill, I have done a ton of research related to the matter. Some of my favorite sources are forums, where one can read the experiences of other patients.
Not only do these stories provide unique and invaluable medical insights, and help me maneuver the complex health system more efficiently, they also validate my feelings. To know one is not alone when you feel desperately so is like giving water to someone wasting away in the desert. It could save a life.
That is probably the most tragic common theme amongst the chronically ill. The tendency for loneliness is powerful beyond description. Over the last few years, I have felt so lonely and scared I was afraid I would go mad with grief and despair. That is why I got my cat, who turned out to be badass because she is a Norwegian Forest Cat - which means she is smart and can climb down trees frontwards and likes water (and all kinds of other fun facts I won't bore you with now)! I strongly suggest a companion animal if you are homebound and/or disabled, especially one that is smart and will get tuned into your moods and needs. Freya kitty knows when I'm not feeling well and gives me snuggles when I need it, she also knows when I'm sleeping too much and will harass me til I get out of bed and play with her.
My gloriously fluffy Forest Cat (Skogkatt) and Companion "Freya"
Anywhoos, enough babbling about my super awesome kitty friend.
Back to the serious stuff.
Its damn near impossible to understand someone who is sick unless you have been there yourself.
My research has shown that those suffering from the onset of "invisible diseases" like Lupus, MS, RA, Fibromyalgia, and other immune mediated illness, are grossly misunderstood. The odds are stacked against us; we have a 50% chance of having a doctor give up on us (I've had a few), an equally high chance of beingmisdiagnosed with a mental illness (I've had a doctor try to shove Zoloft down my throat, even after a Psychologist announced my symptoms were not psychosomatic), and we have a 75% chance of losing our partner/spouse in the time it will take to get diagnosed, which is an average of 7-10 long years.
These statistics blew my mind when I first came across them last year (Or maybe it was the year before? And of course I can't find my source now. Dang brain fog! I'll find it again and post it when I do).
But I can attest to the challenges that the onset of a debilitating illness can create in your personal life, especially with the one you love.
My boyfriend and I had just moved in together a few months before I started getting really sick. Within 6 months I was on an extended medical leave of absence from my blossoming career, which I wound up having to walk away from just a few months after that. As money and health problems continued to build up, we found ourselves being overwhelmed by the situation. Its like being caught in a rip tide and no matter what you do to get out you keep getting sucked back in. We were starting to argue. I was so stressed out about my deteriorating health I couldn't focus on anything else, any of the "real world" stuff. This left my boyfriend to carry the burden of acting as head of household, my caregiver, and my boyfriend. The stress started to create cracks and rifts in our relationship, and we were headed for destruction. We would have crashed and burned had we stayed that course.
But instead of becoming just another statistic, we were able to make our situation better.
To an outside observer, it would appear that nothing's changed.
We are still broke. I'm still sick. I'm still sensitive to all forms of UV light. I'm still unable to work. We still have a host of challenges to overcome. So how have we come so far together, and learned to smile despite the pain?
When you find yourself in a situation you're unable to change, "don't wish it were easier, wish you were better." We delved into personal development and psychology and all kinds of studies. I will list specific titles and so forth that we have found especially helpful in a future post. Change your mindset and you can change your universe. Learn to be truly grateful and you will realize you already have everything you need.
During times of great struggle, love should bring you together, not push you apart.
Keep laughing, always!
I could keep spitting similar anecdotes, but I will finish this with a music video I recently saw for the first time. It does an absolute perfect job of illustrating what I'm trying to say, and after watching it I knew I wanted to include it in a post. The couple makes me think of my boyfriend and I; their situation is a beautiful metaphor for how changing our perspective has changed our world. Its so good, it makes me cry my eyes out.
I hope it touches you also.
What are some of your favorite methods for overcoming challenging situations?
*Love & Light* -Renata Carmen Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
