This is a piece that I originally performed many moons ago (circa 2004) at a lovely little theater known as Da Poetry Lounge, in Culver City, California. Sadly,I didn't have the foresight to get someone to record my time on the mic that night; I got a standing ovation in a room where I was one of the whitest females on the premises. Pretty flattering and humbling. But alas, even though everyone around me believed in my abilities, I didn't believe in myself. So I allowed my potential Spoken Word career to wither and die before it ever had a chance to grow.
Now, over a decade later, I am revisiting my old works, and without any intent of being cocky, am impressed with what I'm digging up. I have decided to record whichever of these labors of love demand to be heard aloud, not solely within the confined silence of the reader's mind. Perhaps this process will re-alight the inner flame.
Some emcees choose their pseudonyms, others are given them as nicknames. When I was writing in the early 2000's, I was nicknamed "NadaClue". Those days were all about excess; partying, raving, pushing everything possible, including my own body and mind, to the limit.
Those days, and the bright eyed, kandy kid that hailed them, are long gone.
If I'm gonna be an emcee, let me be known as "Phoenix".
From the ashes I rise anew to sing you my song...
Lyrics:
"I strive to own the microphone
like it was sewn
into my hand
i thrive off the thrill of lyricism
and i demand that i stand tall & proud
i imagine rocking a crowd
& shocking thousands of eardrums
with excessively loud
beats
whispering, talking spirits from the streets
lingering in your head
long after you crawl under your sheets
night creeps upon the world
it seeps into bedrooms & attics
if your mind is not unfurled
it will swirl into a panic
i pity those who remain curled 'round fear
their ears hear static
in the end they only lead lives that are problematic
i can't stand it
the apathy people try to throw at me
i just blow them off & try not to take 'em seriously
'cuz most people fake it when it comes to personalities
& i don't take it when they try to feed me falsities
i travel these dreams of contradicting schemes
eventually they unravel at the seams
reality teams with life like an ocean
it glimmers & gleams with strife
ever in motion
control emotion
or it will bring you under the surface
& the notion of drowning doesn't serve my purpose
so, instead of frowning when i fall
i'll pretend it was on purpose
& laugh at it all
as i imagine greeting rising curtains"
Thank you for watching/reading!
Hope it brought some joy to your life.
*Love & Light*
Friday, November 8, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Medical Cannabis Product Review - S.A.G.E. Flowers From Trill Alternatives
Well I hope you all had a great Halloween/Samhain!
It has been a rather wild ride over the last two weeks (or however long its been since I posted last).
During that time I went to two different social events, discovered severe intolerances to at least one member of the nightshade family (potatoes, boo!), and unfortunately, a dear friend of mine broke his back (the night before Halloween - lame). This is a lot to happen in a short amount of time considering I'm homebound without a running car, and thus haven't gotten out of the house much over the last year.
Luckily my friend should be mended up in a few months time or so. He broke his back "in the best way possible"; i.e. got really, really lucky *whew*. Horrible accidents like that always remind me what I take for granted. Its hard to stay focused on gratitude, when you are fighting so hard everyday to get through the basics and keep your mind and body from falling apart anymore than it already has. Its maddening when people complain about/take things for granted I would do unspeakable things to be able to do again...when I'm struggling with things like chronic pain, fatigue, and this cursed this light sensitivity (oh how I despise my UV intolerance).
But then I realize I can still do numerous things that many people wish they could do, like walk, and see, and hear, and have sex, and make decisions for myself. I may be hobbling around on a cane because I danced for a few hours over 7 days ago, but at least I can still dance sometimes! And I can still write! I gotta stop taking my gifts for granted. I may not be well enough to do much, but I truly believe if I stay focused and work hard, I can "write my way out of this". Speaking of, I must say thank you for the ever increasing support this blog and my medical fundraiser are receiving! The interest in my work means more than words can express, and the financial support helps me to make rent, eat clean, and maintain my ever-so-pertinent collection of supplements.
Since creativity has been a bit tough for me with my inflammation and what not, I've started focusing on old writing and works that I have never published before (those will be coming soon, I'm pretty excited!), and new works that I never before considered, like writing Medical Cannabis reviews.
As a SoCal native who has been using cannabis products since long before "medical" came about, along with being a former employee of the Colorado Medical Cannabis industry, and a current Medical Cannabis patient with a legit debilitating condition, I feel that I can provide unique and constructive feedback to the Medical Cannabis industry. I look forward to giving back by helping it continue to evolve and grow in ways that will ensure patients always come first.
Here is a review of the strain "S.A.G.E." from a dispensary I have been going to for over a year now, Trill Alternatives in Boulder. They are one of the few dispensaries I feel I can trust to supply me with solid genetics that are grown in clean and loving environments. I hope you find my reviews enlightening and entertaining!
-Here's the link to the testimonials section on Trill's website, where this review is posted:
http://trillalternatives.com/index.php/testimonials
And the review itself:
Date: August 31st, 2013
Source: member of Trill Alternatives
It has been a rather wild ride over the last two weeks (or however long its been since I posted last).
During that time I went to two different social events, discovered severe intolerances to at least one member of the nightshade family (potatoes, boo!), and unfortunately, a dear friend of mine broke his back (the night before Halloween - lame). This is a lot to happen in a short amount of time considering I'm homebound without a running car, and thus haven't gotten out of the house much over the last year.
Luckily my friend should be mended up in a few months time or so. He broke his back "in the best way possible"; i.e. got really, really lucky *whew*. Horrible accidents like that always remind me what I take for granted. Its hard to stay focused on gratitude, when you are fighting so hard everyday to get through the basics and keep your mind and body from falling apart anymore than it already has. Its maddening when people complain about/take things for granted I would do unspeakable things to be able to do again...when I'm struggling with things like chronic pain, fatigue, and this cursed this light sensitivity (oh how I despise my UV intolerance).
But then I realize I can still do numerous things that many people wish they could do, like walk, and see, and hear, and have sex, and make decisions for myself. I may be hobbling around on a cane because I danced for a few hours over 7 days ago, but at least I can still dance sometimes! And I can still write! I gotta stop taking my gifts for granted. I may not be well enough to do much, but I truly believe if I stay focused and work hard, I can "write my way out of this". Speaking of, I must say thank you for the ever increasing support this blog and my medical fundraiser are receiving! The interest in my work means more than words can express, and the financial support helps me to make rent, eat clean, and maintain my ever-so-pertinent collection of supplements.
Since creativity has been a bit tough for me with my inflammation and what not, I've started focusing on old writing and works that I have never published before (those will be coming soon, I'm pretty excited!), and new works that I never before considered, like writing Medical Cannabis reviews.
As a SoCal native who has been using cannabis products since long before "medical" came about, along with being a former employee of the Colorado Medical Cannabis industry, and a current Medical Cannabis patient with a legit debilitating condition, I feel that I can provide unique and constructive feedback to the Medical Cannabis industry. I look forward to giving back by helping it continue to evolve and grow in ways that will ensure patients always come first.
Here is a review of the strain "S.A.G.E." from a dispensary I have been going to for over a year now, Trill Alternatives in Boulder. They are one of the few dispensaries I feel I can trust to supply me with solid genetics that are grown in clean and loving environments. I hope you find my reviews enlightening and entertaining!
-Here's the link to the testimonials section on Trill's website, where this review is posted:
http://trillalternatives.com/index.php/testimonials
And the review itself:
Date: August 31st, 2013
Source: member of Trill Alternatives
SAGE
Genetics:
(Per Seedfinder - http://en.seedfinder.eu/strain-info/SAGE/TH_Seeds/)
T.H.Seeds - Unknown Haze (Mexico x Columbia x Thailand x India) x Unknown Afghani
Appearance:
In my experience, SAGE grows like a
Sativa (bigger nugs, long & skinny leaves), but these flowers look
more Indica in growth pattern (“pine tree” shape).
The flowers are well cured, with an
impressive trichome and pistil content. They are a lovely soft green in
color, covered in a fuzzy blanket of frosty crystals and vibrant orange
hairs.
Very pretty – Good “Jar” Appeal
Upon a more thorough inspection, I did
find some signs of stress – What I call “Hard Spots” – Parts of the
flower that tried to seed out but didn’t and form small pockets of
harder than average material. Usually formed by some sort of stress in
their growth environment. These don’t shock me, as putting the plants
into the extreme sensimilla state that we do in the grows is in itself a
stress, and its been ridiculously hot, another major stress. It’s not
something that an Average Joe would even notice, and generally doesn’t
affect overall potency or smoke quality.
Smell:
Piney, Sandalwood, followed by Sweet Citrus, with a bit of Diesel on the end.
Sorta reminds me of the actual plant,
Sage. Makes me think of hiking thru the California High Desert Forest
after a rainfall (lots of shrubs and wild sage everywhere, with the
occasional stunted tree – somehow this qualifies it as a ‘forest’ haha).
Lovely turpenes that have been well preserved in the curing process.
Taste:
(Vaporizer) – Mild, creamy citrus, followed by diesel, finishes with a sweet hint of vanilla.
(Bong) – Mild, creamy citrus, finishes with diesel.
(Pipe) – Sweet citrus, followed by smoky diesel.
Pronounced without being too overwhelming.
Very palatable and tastes cleanly grown, no “detergent” or chemical aftertastes.
Effects:
Recently I’ve had major insomnia at night
and hypersomnia during the day, so my sleeping patterns have been all
screwy. Also, I’ve been battling severe eye & head
pain/inflammation, so I’m very “slow” lately and very sick – dizzy,
nauseas, lots of GI issues. Starting the day off with SAGE is always a
pleasure, especially when you’re dizzy, nauseous, or stiff/sore…and I’m
all three this morning. I pack my VaporBrothers vaporizer and smoke a
bong load while waiting for it to preheat. I feel immediate relief from
the cool, thick smoke, but my symptoms are no walk in the park, so I
start puffing on the vapor bowl. It lasts forever! Over a dozen hits.
This is always a sign of good quality herb, the less potent flowers tend
to not last as long in the vaporizer. Since I’m writing a detailed
review of this strain, I pack a bowl in my glass pipe as well, but only
need to take a few hits to get some final notes on taste before setting
it down. I feel alleviated of my symptoms, but am mentally sharp... in
fact, more so than before I smoked – similar in personality to the Flo
strain. They don’t call it Sativa Afghani Equilibrium for nothing!! I
remember now why I fell in love with SAGE when I first encountered her
last year. And since my symptoms are more severe today than they were at
that time, I find this strain more valuable than ever. It’s perfect for
when you’re just waking up and trying to get over feeling like Death so
you can maybe get the dishes done and Skype your Momma. This is a
wonderful representation of the SAGE Hybrid!
Recommended Applications:
Headaches, Eye
Pain/Inflammation/Glaucoma, GI issues, Dizziness, Nausea, Appetite
Stimulation, Mild to Moderate Pain/Inflammation, Mood (Anxiety,
Depression, Aiding Creativity, Stimulating Conversation in Social
Settings)
-Due to its stimulatory properties, SAGE
is not recommended for insomnia, and those with Anxiety should probably
first use it in a private setting to monitor its effects just in case it
exacerbates the problem rather than alleviate it. Also, I’ve found it’s
not as effective as a more Indica dominant strain for Moderate to
Extreme Pain/Inflammation (primarily in those patients with higher
tolerances).
Thank you for reading!
I firmly believe in and know firsthand the powers of plant medicine, herbalism, and holistic health, and hope some of my writing helps spread knowledge of safe applications and more widespread support of these healing methods.
I don't know how I would get through each day without cannabis, ginger, tumeric, kratom, cat's claw, devils' claw, damiana, leafy greens, and too many others to list here!
I look forward to examining these and many other plants and herbs in the future.
What are your favorite cannabis strains/products and/or plant allies in your struggle with chronic illness?
Love and Light :)
Renata
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Some Good Ole Fashioned Humor - How it Feels to Have an Autoimmune Disease
After my last angry rant (and thank you to all who have watched and provided constructive feedback), I have decided some comedic relief is in order. Plus I've been in a bit of a funk (thanks fluctuating progesterone levels) so I could use it myself.
In my constant quest to keep up a positive attitude, I think of random "memes" in my head, and think that other people who are chronically ill, homebound, and/or have an immune mediated disease would also appreciate these random funny thoughts.
I hope these help pick you up as much as they help my wonderful boyfriend/caregiver and myself!
When I'm in the middle of a flare and someone asks how I'm feeling:
How it feels when dealing with medical professionals and other people who aren't familiar with autoimmune/"invisible" diseases:
Pain scale for those with Chronic Illness:
An example of my internal dialogue when I'm struggling to make myself feel better:
How I feel when my boyfriend's being extra patient as my caregiver, especially when I've been depressed or angry:
I do believe that laughter and a positive mindset are pertinent to health.
Venting is important, but getting stuck in bitterness, resentment, or sadness are never conducive to creating a fulfilling or meaningful life, and stress hormones are some of the strongest immune-suppresents known to mankind. So if anything we need to be happy for our immune systems' sake!
Hopefully I've helped you achieve your daily dose today. I've looked at these a few times and am still laughing at them!
What do you do to make yourself feel better when you're down?
Love and Light :)
Renata Carmen
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
In my constant quest to keep up a positive attitude, I think of random "memes" in my head, and think that other people who are chronically ill, homebound, and/or have an immune mediated disease would also appreciate these random funny thoughts.
I hope these help pick you up as much as they help my wonderful boyfriend/caregiver and myself!
When I'm in the middle of a flare and someone asks how I'm feeling:
How it feels when dealing with medical professionals and other people who aren't familiar with autoimmune/"invisible" diseases:
What I have the overwhelming urge to do anytime someone who isn't homebound complains about being bored, or when a medical professional claims diet & health aren't related:
Pain scale for those with Chronic Illness:
Anytime someone refutes the medical value/efficacy of Cannabis, and Plant/Holistic Medicine in general:
An example of my internal dialogue when I'm struggling to make myself feel better:
How I feel when my boyfriend's being extra patient as my caregiver, especially when I've been depressed or angry:
I do believe that laughter and a positive mindset are pertinent to health.
Venting is important, but getting stuck in bitterness, resentment, or sadness are never conducive to creating a fulfilling or meaningful life, and stress hormones are some of the strongest immune-suppresents known to mankind. So if anything we need to be happy for our immune systems' sake!
Hopefully I've helped you achieve your daily dose today. I've looked at these a few times and am still laughing at them!
What do you do to make yourself feel better when you're down?
Love and Light :)
Renata Carmen
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Catching up with the Times - First Vlog Post! "Organic Doesn't Mean GMO Free"
Greetings All!
Apologies for dropping off, again.
Since I last posted here, I have been working through a very comprehensive Elimination Diet.
I am putting together a write-up about my experiences and discoveries thus far, but I have been detoxing in the process (yes, detoxing from food!) and so have been extra "inflamed" as I call it. Lots of pain, brain fog, and debilitating fatigue. I keep telling myself its worth it, and it is, but its the most difficult challenge I've faced yet in my life, which is saying something considering I've seen some shit.
Since writing has been challenging for me due to my cognitive dysfunctions, and crappy ergonomic chair and desk set-up, I've been playing around with the idea of starting a podcast. I don't have the proper equipment just yet for that, so for the interim I plan to post rants on YouTube.
Here is my first one, inspired by some facts I picked up this morning while browsing the Interwebs.
I hope you find it informative, entertaining, and inspiring!
After watching it a few times I've started nit-picking it to death, but we all have to start somewhere, and I am excited to experiment with different forms of media.
Thank you so much for watching! I'm eager for constructive feedback.
What topics of research are important to you as a fellow "Chronic Badass"?
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
Apologies for dropping off, again.
Since I last posted here, I have been working through a very comprehensive Elimination Diet.
I am putting together a write-up about my experiences and discoveries thus far, but I have been detoxing in the process (yes, detoxing from food!) and so have been extra "inflamed" as I call it. Lots of pain, brain fog, and debilitating fatigue. I keep telling myself its worth it, and it is, but its the most difficult challenge I've faced yet in my life, which is saying something considering I've seen some shit.
Since writing has been challenging for me due to my cognitive dysfunctions, and crappy ergonomic chair and desk set-up, I've been playing around with the idea of starting a podcast. I don't have the proper equipment just yet for that, so for the interim I plan to post rants on YouTube.
Here is my first one, inspired by some facts I picked up this morning while browsing the Interwebs.
I hope you find it informative, entertaining, and inspiring!
After watching it a few times I've started nit-picking it to death, but we all have to start somewhere, and I am excited to experiment with different forms of media.
Thank you so much for watching! I'm eager for constructive feedback.
What topics of research are important to you as a fellow "Chronic Badass"?
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Going Stir-Crazy from being Homebound!!! (And, How to Get Over It)
There is no way for me to properly explain the loneliness and isolation that comes with being chronically ill and homebound as a result. Perhaps I’ve been feeling extra bummed out lately because of the Elimination Diet I have been working on for the last 13 days (not that anyone’s counting!). I have wanted to write about it, along with my discoveries about the Gut and Vitamin D and all these amazing things I have been experimenting with to manage my illness, plus I have a ton of old writing and poetry to go thru and post, but I have been so bogged down. Just so exhausted and “blah”, not having the energy to do anything but sleep and wallow. I'm just so freakin' sick and tired of being sick and tired!! It's making me feel like this:
The main reason why I’m homebound is due to a severe UV sensitivity, so you would think with the days finally getting shorter and cooler my mood would be perking up. Soon it will be snowy and cold and I will no longer be filled with constant pangs of jealousy and depression every time I see a beautiful woman showing off her long tan legs in short shorts or walking past my window to go sun by the community pool. Being half Mexican, I tan quite nicely, and have been a “Sun Worshiper” my whole life. I miss the sun in ways I didn’t know was possible, and even have dreams about the way it feels to stand in sunlight…the warmth of the rays as they soak into the skin, the relaxing, zen-like feeling that comes from absorbing sunlight after several minutes, the almost magical way my hair lightens and skin becomes bronze…And it’s not just sunlight. I’m sensitive to any sort of UV light now, like HID or florescent, or even glares and bright lights. If I’m not aware of my environment, I could end up dizzy, nauseous, light headed, fatigued, and aggravating my arthritis. So no more indoor grows for me (*sniffle*), and if I’m well enough to go shopping, a lot of the time I have to be quick about it, or I start to feel sick from the lights. Obviously shopping online is my ideal way now (all praise Amazon!), but again, that is just another way in which human interaction is being cut from my life. I should have spent this summer hiking and climbing rocks and getting drunk by pools and riding bicycles along the paths of Boulder and dreading going to work. Not stuck inside my apartment like some freakish, depressed, vampire watching the world pass me by. I now understand the lonely people who would call the call centers I worked at in the past just to hear someone else’s voice.
So yes, I do get excited when I think about the coming holiday season, it’s my favorite time of year and I have been dreaming up recipe, décor, and party ideas. But there’s this pit in my stomach too. Being sick for the last few years has eaten away at my social life, and I’ve fallen out of touch from so many people. It’s just so fucking hard to talk to people when you’re going through something like this. You don’t understand what’s going on with your body or your mind, you just want things to get better but they won’t, and when people ask me how I’m doing I tend to just be a depressing mess in my response. I’m afraid a few old friends have reached out to me lately and my responses were very negative. I was so ecstatic to hear from them, to know that I’m being thought of and missed, but instead of saying that, all that came out was a verbal vomit of “woe is my life”. Its so difficult not to become a resentful, bitter shell of who you once were and push everyone away because you hate them for not being sick, for having their “normal” lives and “normal” problems, you hate them for complaining about being “bored” when they have NO idea what bored is, or for commenting on the weather (“How nice that the sun came back out!”). Then you hate yourself for being bitter and resentful, because you know it’s not right, and it threatens to become a self-perpetuating cycle of isolating anguish and despair. I used to be a social butterfly, always looking for the next adventure, always the one organizing parties and linking people together…but now I have hardly any friends that I see or speak to on a regular basis. Who will I invite to my holiday gatherings this year?
Luckily, even as I type this, I know I can change this, that I can make this better. It’s up to me after all. This is my life; I must take responsibility for my happiness. It’s true that not having a phone or a car sure makes being social that much more of a challenge, especially in my case. It’s true that this whole situation sucks and that I have been desperately struggling to communicate effectively, which has made maintaining my friendships even more of a challenge. But, to quote the late, great Jim Rohn, “Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better.” I have to remember that I am so much more than my “meat vessel”, that I am divine infinite energy, and that I have work to do. There’s this voice inside that won’t let me give up, that tells me that I’m important, that even little me can make a difference. And that I shouldn’t worry about my social life, that those friends who are true will understand we all go through hard times that can make us sucky communicators, and they will still love and support me and come to any gatherings I organize. Hopefully through this blog I can help them to understand me better, and maybe I can help other “Chronic Badasses” to pick themselves off the floor as well.
And so, with that being said, I have work to do. I have friendships to patch up, a garden to water, dishes to do, a body and mind to heal, and this blog to improve. I have everything I need at my disposal. Truly, I am blessed. The Universal Search Engine makes it possible. There’s no better time to be homebound!
When I flip my attitude around, I realize how much I have to do, even if I’m too sick to work or leave my house often. I’m grateful for my garden, for my cat who acts as a lovely Companion, for my wonderful boyfriend/caregiver, my art and writing, for all the wonderful texts there are to read, more than could be read in ten lifetimes, and for the spiritual practices I’m developing. I feel like its super pertinent to have these things in one’s life, especially if you are chronically ill, disabled, and/or homebound. Another thing that helps me a lot too is creating and sticking to a “schedule” of some kind. It can be quite easy to become a complete POS who never changes out of PJ’s or puts deodorant on when you’re in this kind of a situation, and I have found that not only grosses out my boyfriend, I am nowhere near as productive, creative, or fulfilled as when I’m sticking to a sort of routine. I try to implement what Darren Hardy calls “bookends”; I try to have a routine I do every morning and every night. For me, this includes making tea, making a gratitude list and/or free writing/journaling, stretching and doing light exercise if I’m feeling well enough, creating a To-Do list for the day, and incorporating some of my current spiritual practices, like working with the Tarot. The To-Do list I have found is especially helpful; when you’re not working and you’re used to being a bread winner you can easily feel like you’re not doing anything of value. By creating a list of things I want to get done in the day, even if it seems miniscule, like checking the mail, doing the dishes, or making my Green Drink, I feel empowered and productive as I accomplish each goal and check it off the list.
Just because I’m not able to work or have a “normal” life, doesn’t mean I can’t have a meaningful, fulfilling, productive, creative, and successful experience in this Karmic Round. I just have to get off my ass and do something about it, and consistently. When I’m feeling “blah”, like I have recently, I have to turn that energy around. It’s absolutely pertinent if I want to get anything done or to feel good about myself. I do that by making myself laugh or become inspired. There’s tons of great podcasts, music, and blogs out there to help turn that frown upside down. Even though I’m not Christian (not that I have a problem with it if you are, I respect all people’s rights to pursue their own spiritual paths), this song in particular has been helping me a lot lately, and maybe it will help you too, so I’ll end this post with it, and a HUGE thank you for taking the time to read this.
I’d love to know how you make yourself feel positive and fulfilled, despite any disabilities you may have.
Love & Light
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
The main reason why I’m homebound is due to a severe UV sensitivity, so you would think with the days finally getting shorter and cooler my mood would be perking up. Soon it will be snowy and cold and I will no longer be filled with constant pangs of jealousy and depression every time I see a beautiful woman showing off her long tan legs in short shorts or walking past my window to go sun by the community pool. Being half Mexican, I tan quite nicely, and have been a “Sun Worshiper” my whole life. I miss the sun in ways I didn’t know was possible, and even have dreams about the way it feels to stand in sunlight…the warmth of the rays as they soak into the skin, the relaxing, zen-like feeling that comes from absorbing sunlight after several minutes, the almost magical way my hair lightens and skin becomes bronze…And it’s not just sunlight. I’m sensitive to any sort of UV light now, like HID or florescent, or even glares and bright lights. If I’m not aware of my environment, I could end up dizzy, nauseous, light headed, fatigued, and aggravating my arthritis. So no more indoor grows for me (*sniffle*), and if I’m well enough to go shopping, a lot of the time I have to be quick about it, or I start to feel sick from the lights. Obviously shopping online is my ideal way now (all praise Amazon!), but again, that is just another way in which human interaction is being cut from my life. I should have spent this summer hiking and climbing rocks and getting drunk by pools and riding bicycles along the paths of Boulder and dreading going to work. Not stuck inside my apartment like some freakish, depressed, vampire watching the world pass me by. I now understand the lonely people who would call the call centers I worked at in the past just to hear someone else’s voice.
So yes, I do get excited when I think about the coming holiday season, it’s my favorite time of year and I have been dreaming up recipe, décor, and party ideas. But there’s this pit in my stomach too. Being sick for the last few years has eaten away at my social life, and I’ve fallen out of touch from so many people. It’s just so fucking hard to talk to people when you’re going through something like this. You don’t understand what’s going on with your body or your mind, you just want things to get better but they won’t, and when people ask me how I’m doing I tend to just be a depressing mess in my response. I’m afraid a few old friends have reached out to me lately and my responses were very negative. I was so ecstatic to hear from them, to know that I’m being thought of and missed, but instead of saying that, all that came out was a verbal vomit of “woe is my life”. Its so difficult not to become a resentful, bitter shell of who you once were and push everyone away because you hate them for not being sick, for having their “normal” lives and “normal” problems, you hate them for complaining about being “bored” when they have NO idea what bored is, or for commenting on the weather (“How nice that the sun came back out!”). Then you hate yourself for being bitter and resentful, because you know it’s not right, and it threatens to become a self-perpetuating cycle of isolating anguish and despair. I used to be a social butterfly, always looking for the next adventure, always the one organizing parties and linking people together…but now I have hardly any friends that I see or speak to on a regular basis. Who will I invite to my holiday gatherings this year?
Luckily, even as I type this, I know I can change this, that I can make this better. It’s up to me after all. This is my life; I must take responsibility for my happiness. It’s true that not having a phone or a car sure makes being social that much more of a challenge, especially in my case. It’s true that this whole situation sucks and that I have been desperately struggling to communicate effectively, which has made maintaining my friendships even more of a challenge. But, to quote the late, great Jim Rohn, “Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better.” I have to remember that I am so much more than my “meat vessel”, that I am divine infinite energy, and that I have work to do. There’s this voice inside that won’t let me give up, that tells me that I’m important, that even little me can make a difference. And that I shouldn’t worry about my social life, that those friends who are true will understand we all go through hard times that can make us sucky communicators, and they will still love and support me and come to any gatherings I organize. Hopefully through this blog I can help them to understand me better, and maybe I can help other “Chronic Badasses” to pick themselves off the floor as well.
And so, with that being said, I have work to do. I have friendships to patch up, a garden to water, dishes to do, a body and mind to heal, and this blog to improve. I have everything I need at my disposal. Truly, I am blessed. The Universal Search Engine makes it possible. There’s no better time to be homebound!
When I flip my attitude around, I realize how much I have to do, even if I’m too sick to work or leave my house often. I’m grateful for my garden, for my cat who acts as a lovely Companion, for my wonderful boyfriend/caregiver, my art and writing, for all the wonderful texts there are to read, more than could be read in ten lifetimes, and for the spiritual practices I’m developing. I feel like its super pertinent to have these things in one’s life, especially if you are chronically ill, disabled, and/or homebound. Another thing that helps me a lot too is creating and sticking to a “schedule” of some kind. It can be quite easy to become a complete POS who never changes out of PJ’s or puts deodorant on when you’re in this kind of a situation, and I have found that not only grosses out my boyfriend, I am nowhere near as productive, creative, or fulfilled as when I’m sticking to a sort of routine. I try to implement what Darren Hardy calls “bookends”; I try to have a routine I do every morning and every night. For me, this includes making tea, making a gratitude list and/or free writing/journaling, stretching and doing light exercise if I’m feeling well enough, creating a To-Do list for the day, and incorporating some of my current spiritual practices, like working with the Tarot. The To-Do list I have found is especially helpful; when you’re not working and you’re used to being a bread winner you can easily feel like you’re not doing anything of value. By creating a list of things I want to get done in the day, even if it seems miniscule, like checking the mail, doing the dishes, or making my Green Drink, I feel empowered and productive as I accomplish each goal and check it off the list.
Just because I’m not able to work or have a “normal” life, doesn’t mean I can’t have a meaningful, fulfilling, productive, creative, and successful experience in this Karmic Round. I just have to get off my ass and do something about it, and consistently. When I’m feeling “blah”, like I have recently, I have to turn that energy around. It’s absolutely pertinent if I want to get anything done or to feel good about myself. I do that by making myself laugh or become inspired. There’s tons of great podcasts, music, and blogs out there to help turn that frown upside down. Even though I’m not Christian (not that I have a problem with it if you are, I respect all people’s rights to pursue their own spiritual paths), this song in particular has been helping me a lot lately, and maybe it will help you too, so I’ll end this post with it, and a HUGE thank you for taking the time to read this.
I’d love to know how you make yourself feel positive and fulfilled, despite any disabilities you may have.
Love & Light
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
Sunday, September 8, 2013
I Am a Great Light - A Poem
This heat wave has had me in a pretty bad Flare, so I haven't gotten as much writing done as I've wanted, but I'm excited to have a brand new piece of poetry to post. It's been a while since I've written any poetry. Hope you enjoy!
i am a great light
i will rise to this fight
i’ll never back down
so long as i have my mouth
i’ll bite
on the jugular of entropy
til it turns red, then white
(naysayers are no friend to me)
i am more
than these walls
and long paced halls
greater than the sum
of my weaknesses & flaws
i’ll rise above my own desolation
& find inspiration
thru the cultivation
of a much needed cause
because
i am stronger than my disease
weakened hands, hips, knees
skin & hair rebelling, organs melting
a mind that’s failing
even if i say “please”
begging all the deities
for mercy
do you think they heard me?
the trees whisper prayers
like a clergy
they urge me
onward, remind me i’m not alone
in Mother Nature i always have a home
i ask the Muse for guidance
& realize the eyes i’m looking into are my own
i alone possess all tools needed for this quest
i should have known, shoulda guessed
for i am a great light
i’m stronger than my disease
infinite as deep space
and stronger than the seas
tho it may be darkest night
dawn always proceeds
just hang on a little longer
you are stronger
than your weaknesses & desperate pleas
Child of the Universe, Infinite, Divine
breathe in and know that everything will be fine
*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
i am a great light
i will rise to this fight
i’ll never back down
so long as i have my mouth
i’ll bite
on the jugular of entropy
til it turns red, then white
(naysayers are no friend to me)
i am more
than these walls
and long paced halls
greater than the sum
of my weaknesses & flaws
i’ll rise above my own desolation
& find inspiration
thru the cultivation
of a much needed cause
because
i am stronger than my disease
weakened hands, hips, knees
skin & hair rebelling, organs melting
a mind that’s failing
even if i say “please”
begging all the deities
for mercy
do you think they heard me?
the trees whisper prayers
like a clergy
they urge me
onward, remind me i’m not alone
in Mother Nature i always have a home
i ask the Muse for guidance
& realize the eyes i’m looking into are my own
i alone possess all tools needed for this quest
i should have known, shoulda guessed
for i am a great light
i’m stronger than my disease
infinite as deep space
and stronger than the seas
tho it may be darkest night
dawn always proceeds
just hang on a little longer
you are stronger
than your weaknesses & desperate pleas
Child of the Universe, Infinite, Divine
breathe in and know that everything will be fine
*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Living with Chronic Illness - Making a Heaven out of Hell
First off, I would like to give my sincerest apologies for falling off the face of the planet for the last few months.
What have I been up to, one might ask?
Well, to be honest, I am ashamed to say I have been mostly doing this:
Which I think anyone would do in similar circumstances, but you don't get a lot done, and you're likely to miss any opportunities that come your way (like a call from the Blue Man Group or about the part as Scared Inmate #2).
For the last few years I have been battling debilitating chronic illness, and until about a month ago was eluded in reaching a diagnoses. During that time, I have been told that I'm mentally ill, had doctors give up on me, had friends, family and acquaintances think its all in my head or I'm lazy, racked up medical debt, and had unnecessary invasive medical procedures. To put it lightly, I have been through the ringer, and despite the denial of everyone else, my physical condition has continued to decline. When I developed my UV sensitivity and my eyeballs started hurting, I knew things were going haywire and needed to be addressed asap. So I said screw these doctors I'm working with and saw a dermatologist and ophthalmologist. It was the ophthalmologist who finally diagnosed me. She was the only one who was willing to admit she doesn't know everything, and the only one who pulled out a laptop to conduct research with me. The ego of the majority of most medical professionals is impossible to comprehend until you have experienced it.
Ya'all need to take some freakin' communication courses!!!
(I'm not from the South, but ya'all is such a fun phrase, don't you think?)
It has been very hard to process, as there are no "cures" for this rare and misunderstood genetically inherited autoimmune disease, Vogt-Koyanagi-Harada, or VKH for short. All you can do for immune diseases is manage them, and if you're lucky and play your cards right you will get to live a "relatively normal" life, with a "close to average" lifespan. This is a very heavy thing to lay on anyone, but especially someone who is under 30 (not by much, but still!) and naturally active and independent. Which is why I started working at 15 and prefer to turn my own wrenches. Seriously homie, get your dirty paws off the MR2. Thanks.
(Please be aware that VKH affects your cognitive functions, so if I repeat words or make some other typo please be kind. This is partly why I haven't been writing. I will be checking this thing over several times before posting for errors, but will probably still miss a few. Thanks!)
But I'm freakin sick and tired of being sick and tired, and if you can't change a situation, you might as well change your attitude or perception of it, so now that I have spent nearly the last year feeling lost and depressed, I've decided to stop crying, start laughing, and do something about it. Perhaps its the Yaqi in me, but even through my darkest days there has been this voice coming from deep inside that won't let me give up on myself, that says I must fight, that I have work to do.
For people who have autoimmune diseases, the time period between onset and diagnoses is very pertinent to minimizing damage done to the body by the very mechanisms in place designed to protect it from harm. And unfortunately my experience has taught me that these diseases are highly misunderstood, as statistics show it takes an average of 7-10 years for people with autoimmune diseases to get proper diagnoses. 7-10 long, horrendous, tortuous years of bouncing from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist, pill to pill, racking up debt even if you have insurance because there's still co-pays and traveling to and from the various offices and taking time off to go to these appointments (if you're lucky enough to still be able to work), and the out of pocket cost of often unnecessary invasive procedures, or ones that could have been conducted better had the etiology of the symptoms been properly understood. 7-10 years of friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, all looking at you funny, wondering what is wrong with you, being worried about you, or thinking you're totally nuts, a hypochondriac, or an attention whore. 7-10 years of your life absorbed by worry, anger, anxiety, fear, depression, doubt, and struggle to adjust to continual changes and loss.
I have experienced all of this, but have been lucky as it has only been about 3 years for me, though technically my research and medical history have shown that the VKH started manifesting when I was a child and has flared on and off in until recently unrecognized forms. And that is what makes the onset of autoimmune disease so insidious. Its invisible. Its your immune system turning on your body, so it starts at the cellular level, sorta like cancer (its actually odd how similar cancer and immune diseases are, in fact the same medical treatments are used for both!), and often times it takes many years for displayed symptoms to show up as abnormal markers in lab results, which means you could be literally dying, but your blood and urine samples come up "normal". This is another aspect of the human body that seems to be misunderstood by doctors and is maddening. I have lost count of how many times I have had blood work pulled while I was in debilitating inflammatory pain but no abnormal levels of inflammatory markers show up, or had urine analysis come back within normal ranges despite the fact my kidneys were melting down.
If you have a chronic illness, especially an immune mediated one, or are close/have been close to someone who does, then what I am saying here is old news. But most people will be lucky enough to have no idea what it is like to be physically and/or mentally inhibited. They don't know what its like to be robbed of capabilities we take for granted, to have everything flipped on them, never to be put back the way it was, and its all up to you to make sense of it and somehow piece together a "life" out of it. All this, while the Real World continues to move on; the rent is still due, the car still needs to be fixed, the fridge won't fill itself. The Real World can be a cold and heartless one when you're struggling with your own mortality. The Real World forgets about the important things, like cherishing the present moment and all that you have, even if you can't do many of the things you once took for granted. And the Real World also forgets about questioning the status quo, about pushing boundaries, looking for alternative solutions, and not taking "no" for an answer. Its too tired from working all day to change the World. It just wants the nice house and paid vacation.
I was frustrated at first by the time that went by between my onset of latest symptoms in 2011 and my diagnoses in July, but I have come to understand that it has been a massive blessing in disguise. The time spent chasing medical ghosts when I first got sick, combined with my lack of transportation, a lag in medical coverage when I was no longer well enough to pursue my career, my UV sensitivity and other physical disabilities, and living in a place over a mile high that gets more than 300 days of annual sunshine, all played a role in the delay in my diagnoses. I cursed each and every one of them more times than I care to admit, but again, the delay was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. It has forced me to think outside-the-box, to research biochemistry and the inner workings of the body more thoroughly than I would have if I had doctors thinking for me and feeding me pills, and to question the efficacy of those pills and the very nature of our medical industry as a whole.
In short, I feel that I have unwittingly avoided a path that probably would have exacerbated the situation rather than helped, and I have re-discovered knowledge that humans have cherished since time immemorial but has been blown asunder by the "Pharmocratic Inquisition" that's developed a stranglehold on the Western Medical System for the last 150 years or so. I have also discovered some fascinating correlations between disease and environment, which I look forward to discussing at length on this blog. It seems those of us with autoimmune disease are the "canaries of the world", and the toxicity of our industrial lifestyles that has been poisoning the planet since the onset of the Industrial Revolution are traveling all the way up the food chain, back to us, the creators of said destruction. Karma at its finest, no?
My thesis is this: Cancer, autoimmune diseases...they may have some genetic pre-dispositons, but their underlying roots are Environmental, meaning, toxicity or imbalance. Currently, "we don't know" what causes these problems in the body, and we are "searching for The Marker Gene and The Cure! Cut off your breasts now, before its too late!" (Donate Now!). Yet, after years of technical research into these matters, everything seems to be tied to be same basic concept: Everything in Nature has a natural state of stasis, and is always trying to maintain that balance. Throw it out of balance in some way (i.e. stress), and it will do whatever it can to regain that original state. Just because you have a marker for a disease, does not mean it will manifest, and not having a marker does not mean you are in the free and clear. Fun Fact: Only about 5% of women who get breast cancer have a genetic marker for it. That means around 95% of women with breast cancer have no family history of it! Doesn't it seem odd, then, that we are so focused on genetic markers, and aren't focusing more heavily on other factors? Could it have anything to do with gene patents and the gargantuan amount of money to be made thru this new industry?? Or maybe that looking deeper would reveal an even deeper set of problems humanity has yet to tackle? Hmmm....
The Human Body is an amazing organism that has evolved from various bits and pieces throughout the millenia...some mitochoncria here, some intestinal flora there...and, sorta like a high security office building, it needed a way to identify the folks who were supposed to be there doing their job, from the trespassers who were there to infiltrate the system from the outside. Our bodies developed all kinds of mind-bogglingly complex systems to do exactly that, ranging from the equivalent of armed security guards to ID cards to filters. But, a guard can be tricked or blinded, ID cards can be faked, and filters can become compromised from too many particulates and stop working. In the same way, our bodies can be infiltrated by organisms that don't belong there, that throw us out of balance, and can only handle so much stress in one life-time. In a very strained body, something will eventually have to give, and in a "perfect storm", you get Cancer, or Vogt-Koyanagi-Harada.
My story (and the story of my father, who is also a VKH Fighter and from whom I inherited the genetic pre-disposition) is a text-book perfect example of a body that has been pushed too far. And the more research I do, the more this seems to be the case with anyone suffering from chronic illness.
I plan to tell my story on this blog, so that others may learn from it, and to share my personal discoveries and knowledge with others, to help further unite the community of those living with chronic illness, and to help shed some light on these mysteries and hopefully help fuel the drive for new research into fields neglected by The Status Quo. Cannabis is a prime and obivous example. Its 20-fucking-13 people, why in the fuck aren't we using this plant like crazy in medical studies??? Why is there still a stigma about it in our society? I lost 4 friends to overdoses before they turned 25, ALL of them were caused by legal, pharmaceutical drugs. You ever hear of anyone dying from a cannabis overdose!?.
I am using myself as a guinea pig, re-discovering the Lost Knowledge of Plants and Fungi, and have found some rather promising potential so far. The most exciting part is I have just barely scratched the surface.
I look forward to this exciting and rewarding adventure! I hope you will join me and share your constructive thoughts and ideas as well. Because "none of us is as smart as all of us".
Thank you for reading!
*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
What have I been up to, one might ask?
Well, to be honest, I am ashamed to say I have been mostly doing this:
Which I think anyone would do in similar circumstances, but you don't get a lot done, and you're likely to miss any opportunities that come your way (like a call from the Blue Man Group or about the part as Scared Inmate #2).
For the last few years I have been battling debilitating chronic illness, and until about a month ago was eluded in reaching a diagnoses. During that time, I have been told that I'm mentally ill, had doctors give up on me, had friends, family and acquaintances think its all in my head or I'm lazy, racked up medical debt, and had unnecessary invasive medical procedures. To put it lightly, I have been through the ringer, and despite the denial of everyone else, my physical condition has continued to decline. When I developed my UV sensitivity and my eyeballs started hurting, I knew things were going haywire and needed to be addressed asap. So I said screw these doctors I'm working with and saw a dermatologist and ophthalmologist. It was the ophthalmologist who finally diagnosed me. She was the only one who was willing to admit she doesn't know everything, and the only one who pulled out a laptop to conduct research with me. The ego of the majority of most medical professionals is impossible to comprehend until you have experienced it.
Ya'all need to take some freakin' communication courses!!!
(I'm not from the South, but ya'all is such a fun phrase, don't you think?)
It has been very hard to process, as there are no "cures" for this rare and misunderstood genetically inherited autoimmune disease, Vogt-Koyanagi-Harada, or VKH for short. All you can do for immune diseases is manage them, and if you're lucky and play your cards right you will get to live a "relatively normal" life, with a "close to average" lifespan. This is a very heavy thing to lay on anyone, but especially someone who is under 30 (not by much, but still!) and naturally active and independent. Which is why I started working at 15 and prefer to turn my own wrenches. Seriously homie, get your dirty paws off the MR2. Thanks.
(Please be aware that VKH affects your cognitive functions, so if I repeat words or make some other typo please be kind. This is partly why I haven't been writing. I will be checking this thing over several times before posting for errors, but will probably still miss a few. Thanks!)
But I'm freakin sick and tired of being sick and tired, and if you can't change a situation, you might as well change your attitude or perception of it, so now that I have spent nearly the last year feeling lost and depressed, I've decided to stop crying, start laughing, and do something about it. Perhaps its the Yaqi in me, but even through my darkest days there has been this voice coming from deep inside that won't let me give up on myself, that says I must fight, that I have work to do.
For people who have autoimmune diseases, the time period between onset and diagnoses is very pertinent to minimizing damage done to the body by the very mechanisms in place designed to protect it from harm. And unfortunately my experience has taught me that these diseases are highly misunderstood, as statistics show it takes an average of 7-10 years for people with autoimmune diseases to get proper diagnoses. 7-10 long, horrendous, tortuous years of bouncing from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist, pill to pill, racking up debt even if you have insurance because there's still co-pays and traveling to and from the various offices and taking time off to go to these appointments (if you're lucky enough to still be able to work), and the out of pocket cost of often unnecessary invasive procedures, or ones that could have been conducted better had the etiology of the symptoms been properly understood. 7-10 years of friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, all looking at you funny, wondering what is wrong with you, being worried about you, or thinking you're totally nuts, a hypochondriac, or an attention whore. 7-10 years of your life absorbed by worry, anger, anxiety, fear, depression, doubt, and struggle to adjust to continual changes and loss.
I have experienced all of this, but have been lucky as it has only been about 3 years for me, though technically my research and medical history have shown that the VKH started manifesting when I was a child and has flared on and off in until recently unrecognized forms. And that is what makes the onset of autoimmune disease so insidious. Its invisible. Its your immune system turning on your body, so it starts at the cellular level, sorta like cancer (its actually odd how similar cancer and immune diseases are, in fact the same medical treatments are used for both!), and often times it takes many years for displayed symptoms to show up as abnormal markers in lab results, which means you could be literally dying, but your blood and urine samples come up "normal". This is another aspect of the human body that seems to be misunderstood by doctors and is maddening. I have lost count of how many times I have had blood work pulled while I was in debilitating inflammatory pain but no abnormal levels of inflammatory markers show up, or had urine analysis come back within normal ranges despite the fact my kidneys were melting down.
If you have a chronic illness, especially an immune mediated one, or are close/have been close to someone who does, then what I am saying here is old news. But most people will be lucky enough to have no idea what it is like to be physically and/or mentally inhibited. They don't know what its like to be robbed of capabilities we take for granted, to have everything flipped on them, never to be put back the way it was, and its all up to you to make sense of it and somehow piece together a "life" out of it. All this, while the Real World continues to move on; the rent is still due, the car still needs to be fixed, the fridge won't fill itself. The Real World can be a cold and heartless one when you're struggling with your own mortality. The Real World forgets about the important things, like cherishing the present moment and all that you have, even if you can't do many of the things you once took for granted. And the Real World also forgets about questioning the status quo, about pushing boundaries, looking for alternative solutions, and not taking "no" for an answer. Its too tired from working all day to change the World. It just wants the nice house and paid vacation.
I was frustrated at first by the time that went by between my onset of latest symptoms in 2011 and my diagnoses in July, but I have come to understand that it has been a massive blessing in disguise. The time spent chasing medical ghosts when I first got sick, combined with my lack of transportation, a lag in medical coverage when I was no longer well enough to pursue my career, my UV sensitivity and other physical disabilities, and living in a place over a mile high that gets more than 300 days of annual sunshine, all played a role in the delay in my diagnoses. I cursed each and every one of them more times than I care to admit, but again, the delay was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. It has forced me to think outside-the-box, to research biochemistry and the inner workings of the body more thoroughly than I would have if I had doctors thinking for me and feeding me pills, and to question the efficacy of those pills and the very nature of our medical industry as a whole.
In short, I feel that I have unwittingly avoided a path that probably would have exacerbated the situation rather than helped, and I have re-discovered knowledge that humans have cherished since time immemorial but has been blown asunder by the "Pharmocratic Inquisition" that's developed a stranglehold on the Western Medical System for the last 150 years or so. I have also discovered some fascinating correlations between disease and environment, which I look forward to discussing at length on this blog. It seems those of us with autoimmune disease are the "canaries of the world", and the toxicity of our industrial lifestyles that has been poisoning the planet since the onset of the Industrial Revolution are traveling all the way up the food chain, back to us, the creators of said destruction. Karma at its finest, no?
My thesis is this: Cancer, autoimmune diseases...they may have some genetic pre-dispositons, but their underlying roots are Environmental, meaning, toxicity or imbalance. Currently, "we don't know" what causes these problems in the body, and we are "searching for The Marker Gene and The Cure! Cut off your breasts now, before its too late!" (Donate Now!). Yet, after years of technical research into these matters, everything seems to be tied to be same basic concept: Everything in Nature has a natural state of stasis, and is always trying to maintain that balance. Throw it out of balance in some way (i.e. stress), and it will do whatever it can to regain that original state. Just because you have a marker for a disease, does not mean it will manifest, and not having a marker does not mean you are in the free and clear. Fun Fact: Only about 5% of women who get breast cancer have a genetic marker for it. That means around 95% of women with breast cancer have no family history of it! Doesn't it seem odd, then, that we are so focused on genetic markers, and aren't focusing more heavily on other factors? Could it have anything to do with gene patents and the gargantuan amount of money to be made thru this new industry?? Or maybe that looking deeper would reveal an even deeper set of problems humanity has yet to tackle? Hmmm....
The Human Body is an amazing organism that has evolved from various bits and pieces throughout the millenia...some mitochoncria here, some intestinal flora there...and, sorta like a high security office building, it needed a way to identify the folks who were supposed to be there doing their job, from the trespassers who were there to infiltrate the system from the outside. Our bodies developed all kinds of mind-bogglingly complex systems to do exactly that, ranging from the equivalent of armed security guards to ID cards to filters. But, a guard can be tricked or blinded, ID cards can be faked, and filters can become compromised from too many particulates and stop working. In the same way, our bodies can be infiltrated by organisms that don't belong there, that throw us out of balance, and can only handle so much stress in one life-time. In a very strained body, something will eventually have to give, and in a "perfect storm", you get Cancer, or Vogt-Koyanagi-Harada.
My story (and the story of my father, who is also a VKH Fighter and from whom I inherited the genetic pre-disposition) is a text-book perfect example of a body that has been pushed too far. And the more research I do, the more this seems to be the case with anyone suffering from chronic illness.
I plan to tell my story on this blog, so that others may learn from it, and to share my personal discoveries and knowledge with others, to help further unite the community of those living with chronic illness, and to help shed some light on these mysteries and hopefully help fuel the drive for new research into fields neglected by The Status Quo. Cannabis is a prime and obivous example. Its 20-fucking-13 people, why in the fuck aren't we using this plant like crazy in medical studies??? Why is there still a stigma about it in our society? I lost 4 friends to overdoses before they turned 25, ALL of them were caused by legal, pharmaceutical drugs. You ever hear of anyone dying from a cannabis overdose!?.
I am using myself as a guinea pig, re-discovering the Lost Knowledge of Plants and Fungi, and have found some rather promising potential so far. The most exciting part is I have just barely scratched the surface.
I look forward to this exciting and rewarding adventure! I hope you will join me and share your constructive thoughts and ideas as well. Because "none of us is as smart as all of us".
Thank you for reading!
*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen
Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)
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