Going Stir-Crazy from being Homebound!!! (And, How to Get Over It)

There is no way for me to properly explain the loneliness and isolation that comes with being chronically ill and homebound as a result. Perhaps I’ve been feeling extra bummed out lately because of the Elimination Diet I have been working on for the last 13 days (not that anyone’s counting!). I have wanted to write about it, along with my discoveries about the Gut and Vitamin D and all these amazing things I have been experimenting with to manage my illness, plus I have a ton of old writing and poetry to go thru and post, but I have been so bogged down. Just so exhausted and “blah”, not having the energy to do anything but sleep and wallow. I'm just so freakin' sick and tired of being sick and tired!! It's making me feel like this:

The main reason why I’m homebound is due to a severe UV sensitivity, so you would think with the days finally getting shorter and cooler my mood would be perking up. Soon it will be snowy and cold and I will no longer be filled with constant pangs of jealousy and depression every time I see a beautiful woman showing off her long tan legs in short shorts or walking past my window to go sun by the community pool. Being half Mexican, I tan quite nicely, and have been a “Sun Worshiper” my whole life. I miss the sun in ways I didn’t know was possible, and even have dreams about the way it feels to stand in sunlight…the warmth of the rays as they soak into the skin, the relaxing, zen-like feeling that comes from absorbing sunlight after several minutes, the almost magical way my hair lightens and skin becomes bronze…And it’s not just sunlight. I’m sensitive to any sort of UV light now, like HID or florescent, or even glares and bright lights. If I’m not aware of my environment, I could end up dizzy, nauseous, light headed, fatigued, and aggravating my arthritis. So no more indoor grows for me (*sniffle*), and if I’m well enough to go shopping, a lot of the time I have to be quick about it, or I start to feel sick from the lights. Obviously shopping online is my ideal way now (all praise Amazon!), but again, that is just another way in which human interaction is being cut from my life. I should have spent this summer hiking and climbing rocks and getting drunk by pools and riding bicycles along the paths of Boulder and dreading going to work. Not stuck inside my apartment like some freakish, depressed, vampire watching the world pass me by. I now understand the lonely people who would call the call centers I worked at in the past just to hear someone else’s voice.
So yes, I do get excited when I think about the coming holiday season, it’s my favorite time of year and I have been dreaming up recipe, décor, and party ideas. But there’s this pit in my stomach too. Being sick for the last few years has eaten away at my social life, and I’ve fallen out of touch from so many people. It’s just so fucking hard to talk to people when you’re going through something like this. You don’t understand what’s going on with your body or your mind, you just want things to get better but they won’t, and when people ask me how I’m doing I tend to just be a depressing mess in my response. I’m afraid a few old friends have reached out to me lately and my responses were very negative. I was so ecstatic to hear from them, to know that I’m being thought of and missed, but instead of saying that, all that came out was a verbal vomit of “woe is my life”. Its so difficult not to become a resentful, bitter shell of who you once were and push everyone away because you hate them for not being sick, for having their “normal” lives and “normal” problems, you hate them for complaining about being “bored” when they have NO idea what bored is, or for commenting on the weather (“How nice that the sun came back out!”). Then you hate yourself for being bitter and resentful, because you know it’s not right, and it threatens to become a self-perpetuating cycle of isolating anguish and despair. I used to be a social butterfly, always looking for the next adventure, always the one organizing parties and linking people together…but now I have hardly any friends that I see or speak to on a regular basis. Who will I invite to my holiday gatherings this year?

Luckily, even as I type this, I know I can change this, that I can make this better. It’s up to me after all. This is my life; I must take responsibility for my happiness. It’s true that not having a phone or a car sure makes being social that much more of a challenge, especially in my case. It’s true that this whole situation sucks and that I have been desperately struggling to communicate effectively, which has made maintaining my friendships even more of a challenge. But, to quote the late, great Jim Rohn, “Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better.” I have to remember that I am so much more than my “meat vessel”, that I am divine infinite energy, and that I have work to do. There’s this voice inside that won’t let me give up, that tells me that I’m important, that even little me can make a difference. And that I shouldn’t worry about my social life, that those friends who are true will understand we all go through hard times that can make us sucky communicators, and they will still love and support me and come to any gatherings I organize. Hopefully through this blog I can help them to understand me better, and maybe I can help other “Chronic Badasses” to pick themselves off the floor as well.

And so, with that being said, I have work to do. I have friendships to patch up, a garden to water, dishes to do, a body and mind to heal, and this blog to improve. I have everything I need at my disposal. Truly, I am blessed. The Universal Search Engine makes it possible. There’s no better time to be homebound!

When I flip my attitude around, I realize how much I have to do, even if I’m too sick to work or leave my house often. I’m grateful for my garden, for my cat who acts as a lovely Companion, for my wonderful boyfriend/caregiver, my art and writing, for all the wonderful texts there are to read, more than could be read in ten lifetimes, and for the spiritual practices I’m developing. I feel like its super pertinent to have these things in one’s life, especially if you are chronically ill, disabled, and/or homebound. Another thing that helps me a lot too is creating and sticking to a “schedule” of some kind. It can be quite easy to become a complete POS who never changes out of PJ’s or puts deodorant on when you’re in this kind of a situation, and I have found that not only grosses out my boyfriend, I am nowhere near as productive, creative, or fulfilled as when I’m sticking to a sort of routine. I try to implement what Darren Hardy calls “bookends”; I try to have a routine I do every morning and every night. For me, this includes making tea, making a gratitude list and/or free writing/journaling, stretching and doing light exercise if I’m feeling well enough, creating a To-Do list for the day, and incorporating some of my current spiritual practices, like working with the Tarot. The To-Do list I have found is especially helpful; when you’re not working and you’re used to being a bread winner you can easily feel like you’re not doing anything of value. By creating a list of things I want to get done in the day, even if it seems miniscule, like checking the mail, doing the dishes, or making my Green Drink, I feel empowered and productive as I accomplish each goal and check it off the list.

Just because I’m not able to work or have a “normal” life, doesn’t mean I can’t have a meaningful, fulfilling, productive, creative, and successful experience in this Karmic Round. I just have to get off my ass and do something about it, and consistently. When I’m feeling “blah”, like I have recently, I have to turn that energy around. It’s absolutely pertinent if I want to get anything done or to feel good about myself. I do that by making myself laugh or become inspired. There’s tons of great podcasts, music, and blogs out there to help turn that frown upside down. Even though I’m not Christian (not that I have a problem with it if you are, I respect all people’s rights to pursue their own spiritual paths), this song in particular has been helping me a lot lately, and maybe it will help you too, so I’ll end this post with it, and a HUGE thank you for taking the time to read this.

I’d love to know how you make yourself feel positive and fulfilled, despite any disabilities you may have.

Love & Light


Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :) 

I Am a Great Light - A Poem

This heat wave has had me in a pretty bad Flare, so I haven't gotten as much writing done as I've wanted, but I'm excited to have a brand new piece of poetry to post. It's been a while since I've written any poetry. Hope you enjoy!

i am a great light
i will rise to this fight
i’ll never back down
so long as i have my mouth
i’ll bite
on the jugular of entropy
til it turns red, then white
(naysayers are no friend to me)
i am more
than these walls
and long paced halls
greater than the sum
of my weaknesses & flaws
i’ll rise above my own desolation
& find inspiration
thru the cultivation
of a much needed cause
because
i am stronger than my disease
weakened hands, hips, knees
skin & hair rebelling, organs melting
a mind that’s failing
even if i say “please”
begging all the deities
for mercy
do you think they heard me?
the trees whisper prayers
like a clergy
they urge me
onward, remind me i’m not alone
in Mother Nature i always have a home
i ask the Muse for guidance
& realize the eyes i’m looking into are my own
i alone possess all tools needed for this quest
i should have known, shoulda guessed
for i am a great light
i’m stronger than my disease
infinite as deep space
and stronger than the seas
tho it may be darkest night
dawn always proceeds
just hang on a little longer
you are stronger
than your weaknesses & desperate pleas
Child of the Universe, Infinite, Divine
breathe in and know that everything will be fine

*Love & Light*
Renata Carmen

Please, if you find any value from this blog, please consider making a donation to the PayPal link at the top right of the page. I don't create these posts expecting anything but to help/entertain others, but I am a disabled mechanic/artist who is not currently receiving SSI/SSDI and when I'm flared up it's hard if not impossible for me to get my hustle on. I'm also working on adding Bitcoin here! :)